Check Your Motivation to Marry. Is it Right by God?

This is how I imagine Jesus spoke to the Pharisees.

Can you recall the Gospel story of Christ trying to explain the lawfulness of divorce to a Pharisee who wants to know if he can divorce one woman and remarry another?

Each time I read this wonderful passage from Mark 10 I can easily imagine Jesus' physical response: his eyes gently widen; he leans towards the Pharisee; he touches him softly on the shoulder and then asks a pointed question. "What did Moses command you?" As the Pharisee answers, Jesus moves a bit closer, still gazing with love towards him as He absorbs the legal angle that is shared.

Christ's posture clearly sends two messages: my answer is serious so think deeply about what I am going to say; I am sharing this message with charity and pray you will receive it as such.  With that, Jesus explains that hardened hearts often misunderstand and reject the truth about marriage.

A few days after reading this Gospel, it was my fortune to meet a present day Pharisee.

He was a man in his mid-thirties who had one divorce under his belt. We met at a social gathering. He came up to talk because he knew of my work in a diocesan office for marriage and family life.

After exchanging opening niceties, he said he wanted to know my opinion on something. (Okay—let me be brutally honest here. My knee jerk was to excuse myself and go to the bathroom because I wanted to socialize not work.) Before I could make any response, he launched into his concern.

"What do you think about remarriage?" he began. I thought for a moment in an attempt to ask the right question to learn where he was coming from. Apparently, I hesitated too long because he just continued to talk.

"Before you say anything, I want to let you know that I have been married before. It didn't work out. We were together for nearly 5 years before we parted ways. She wanted children and I wasn't sure that I did. So, she left me. I didn't want her to leave, but she did. She said I wasn't giving her what she needed. She filed for  the divorce, not me. I am the victim here."

It was obvious that God wanted me to work not socialize. I asked the man to move to a quieter place to talk. He agreed.

As we walked to a corner of the room, I prayed that the Holy Spirit was moving with us.

Praise God, He did because I was able to formulate a few good questions to ask.

I turned to my present day Pharisee, leaned in to the limits of his personal space and asked, "Help me understand what motivated you to get married in the first place?"

He responded quickly. "I just didn't want to be alone. I hate being alone."

"What is your motivation to get married again?" I worked hard to look at him with empathy and tenderness.

"Companionship. I want someone who will do the things I want to do", he replied.

"That's fair", I said. "But, what happens when your spouse wants you to do the same thing—to do what she wants to do. What happens then?"

The man looked perplexed. He didn't seem to get my question.

I thought to myself, did this man know that marriage is much more than a cure for loneliness? His expression revealed a lack of formation on the purpose of marriage.

What followed was a very long conversation about God's plan for marriage, what it means to become a gift of self to another and why openness to children is an absolute must. Our exchange was seasoned with some tears and fears. It ended with a warm embrace and a sentiment of gratitude.

As we stepped out of the corner and back into the evening's festivities, he turned to me, smiled and said. "If companionship is all I want, I should get a dog not a wife, right?" I laughed wholeheartedly and agreed.

What will it take for our culture to get back to the beauty and truth of God's plan for marriage?

Let me propose a few thoughts.

• Reveal the primary purpose of marriage to young adults. Teach them that marriage is not about a 'shared loved' between a man and a woman. It is a sacred calling from God that invites a man and woman to a unite in His name and do His will.
• Challenge those who want to marry to think about their motivation to become a spouse. Help future spouses to move beyond what they want in marriage by considering what God intends.
• Dialogue with those who want to marry for selfish reasons. Give them the gift of your presence and understanding of God's plan for Sacramental marriage.
• Follow Christ's lead; share God's truth about marriage in sincerity and love.