We Just Broke Up...Now What?
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I received a question from a friend—I'll call her Stacy. Stacy's question went like this:
"My boyfriend recently broke up with me because he was not ready for a relationship that will lead to marriage at this point in his life, although he loves me very much, and I am the woman who has the qualities he is looking for. How do I deal with the pain and what should I do if I love him very much too?"
My first comment to Stacy's question was "Ouch!"
There's no way around it, this situation hurts. Badly. It's hard to imagine a greater pain in the universe than heartache, and when it grips you, everything in your world—physically, emotionally,
mentally, spiritually—has the tendency to come crashing down upon you.
After experiencing the agony of a breakup, especially if it wasn't "mutual," a person has to give himself or herself lots of time to journey towards healing. There's certainly no quick fix for heart wounds.
In many ways I really related to what Stacy was going through and I'm sure many of you can as well. Following are some of the words of advice for Stacy—and for you if you are going through a similar situation.
If there is a lack of commitment, move on
Stacy's boyfriend did the right thing. If he isn't spiritually, emotionally and financially ready (or at least almost ready) for marriage, then he shouldn't be in a relationship.
Countless couples today have come to the same realization that Stacy's boyfriend did—that they are not yet ready for marriage—and yet they remain indefinitely in the dead-end relationship.
Some stay because they are afraid of the prospect of being alone, others have become so comfortable with where the relationship stands that they see no reason for change, and still others stay because they fear the pain that accompanies a separation or breakup.
As hard as it seems to imagine, there are far worse things than having a boyfriend or girlfriend break up with you. The pain and confusion of a going-nowhere relationship without signs of long-term commitment is, in the long run, far worse.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend comes to the realization that he or she is not ready for a relationship, not ready for commitment, and thus not ready for marriage, then be thankful for the honesty that accompanies that decision, and move on.
Cut off all communication
This is tough medicine to swallow, but during the initial phases of a breakup, if you are truly and honestly trying to "break up" and separate emotionally from a person, then the "we can keep in touch and be just friends now" line will not help you or the other person.
In order to heal and move on, you'll need to cut off communication during the initial breakup phase. You both need time and space, and lots of it, so that your hearts can heal. Mutually agree to no phone calling, emailing, texting, letter-writing, meeting for coffee every once in a while—and stick to your resolution.
As waves of missing the person, loneliness, grief, and a cascade of other emotions rise and fall within you, the temptation to contact the other person will be strong.
"Maybe we need more closure;"
"I just need to find out what he is thinking this week;"
"I only want to make sure she is okay;"
"But I forgot to tell him this before we parted ways;" etc., etc., etc...
The more you give in and stay in touch with one another, the more you will prolong the healing process.
"The pain of breaking up is like removing a splinter," a friend once told me. "The faster you remove it, even if it's initially painful, the quicker the healing process will be."
You'll also need accountability to hold you to these goals, because believe me, when he or she calls and leaves tear-filled voicemails wanting to talk about things, it will be incredibly hard not to return the call or message.
You Need a Break-up Buddy
Staying at home on the couch with a box of Kleenex and watching Friends re-runs or spending hours with your gaming system is not going to help you heal and move on from a breakup. It's okay to do that for the initial 48 hours, but after that, you need to get your mind off your heartache. You'll need to force yourself to get out of the house, meet with friends and family, and do stuff together. It will be a healthy reminder that life will go on, even when it doesn't feel like it.
Some time ago I went through a breakup and felt like my entire world was crashing down on me. All I wanted to do was sit at home and mope. One of my girlfriends literally saved me during those initial post-breakup weeks. She made me go out to dinner with her to talk and check in on how I was doing. She cornered me after Mass to talk. She called me frequently just to say hi and check in.
On top of all that, she even obtained two free tickets through her work to a pre-season NFL game so that the two of us could attend together.
She didn't even know any of the teams we had tickets to see play, but she knew I was a football fanatic so it would be fun for me. It turned out to be the perfect outing to get my mind off my heartache—the two of us had a blast together. And my girlfriend now knows at least the name of two NFL teams.
In addition to having a buddy to get out and do stuff with, you also need someone who can be your confidant—the friend to talk to and listen to.
If you've been in a dating relationship, you have become accustomed to having that person to share all the highs and lows, big stuff and small stuff, of your daily life with. After a breakup, all of
a sudden that person is not there anymore to hear about your day and comfort and console or rejoice and laugh with you over the stuff of life. You need a friend or sibling who can be that for you.
A break-up might be the best thing
As I already mentioned briefly, there are worse things in life than the heartache associated with breaking off a dating relationship, or even breaking off an engagement. It would be much worse to find out after getting married that your spouse has commitment issues, communication issues, or unresolved conflicts or issues from the past, that you find hard to now live with.
Garth Brooks sings a song called "Unanswered Prayers" that talks about how grateful we can be that God prevents us from stepping into a major pitfall sometimes. In light of the big picture of life, if a guy or girl who can't commit to marriage or to you has broken up with you, as hard and excruciatingly painful as that may be, thank God for His mercy and grace that is protecting you from what, ultimately, is a dead-end road for you.
Ask God for the grace of perseverance, and the faith to believe that, in His time, your Heavenly Father will lead you to the one who is ready, willing and able to make a lifelong commitment to you.
It is with this person that you want to walk side by side the path to Heaven.
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