7 Steps for Widowed Spouses to Survive the Holidays

Wintry grey clouds hung low, dampening the significance of the day.

A steady rain added to the gloomy scene before my eyes. Driving home at twilight, I caught a glimpse of a solitary man walking through a cemetery. The forlorn figure had a singular purpose in mind.

It was Christmas 2011, and I knew exactly why that man ignored the elements and spent time at a gravesite on a dark and misty Christmas Day.

This was the first time in forty-one years I celebrated Christmas without my wife, Tootie. An overwhelming sense of loneliness gripped my soul. Driving home that day, I wished my eyes had wipers, or perhaps my car’s windshield needed new ones. 

One of the most challenging things a widowed spouse has to deal with is getting through a series of firsts without their beloved. When my wife died in January of that year, I struggled to get through the first Valentine’s Day, the first Easter, and the first Mother’s Day without her. As Thanksgiving approached, I realized the most grueling gauntlet of all drew closer and closer. 

An emotional minefield awaited.  

• Thanksgiving Day, when we gave thanks as a family and enjoyed a scrumptious meal prepared by my wife and the mother of my five children.
• Her birthday, December 24th, when the family always made it a point to celebrate her birthday apart from Christmas, complete with cake and gifts.
• Christmas Day, when we worshipped as a family and faithfully followed all of our traditions, including egg rolls for Christmas dinner (hey, it was a family tradition.)
• New Year’s Eve, when we often prayed in the New Year together.
• January 10th, the anniversary of our first date in 1969.
• January 28th, the anniversary of her death.

Yes, it was a gauntlet and one I had no idea how I was going to get through. I just told myself to be patient. It would soon be February.

I am no different than most folks who lose a loved one. I had questions that could not be answered. I prayed to God to help me understand why her and not me. I cried a river of tears and even begged God to take me too. Though at times, He seemed far away, I soon realized the Lord was indeed “close to the broken-hearted,” and He healed those “crushed in spirit.”  

Some turn away from God during such times of grief.  I turned towards Him.

Still, healing took a while.

One daughter invited me to Thanksgiving dinner. Another encouraged me to accompany her to a Christmas concert. The whole family gathered for Christmas at another sibling’s home. My children did their best to cheer me up.

Since we were all together on Christmas morning, I decided to put a letter in their stockings, a practice I often did when they were children, and hoped they’d forgive me for doing so again.

Here is part of what I wrote:

Over the years, you have received Christmas notes from Santa, or in recent years, a letter from dear old Dad. You probably think you have long outgrown such sentimental expressions. Maybe so. But for obvious reasons, this year is different. So, for one more time, I wanted to express in written form my heartfelt wishes for each of you.

As I have pondered Christmases past, I must admit that, with few exceptions, I have long forgotten the gifts received. The memories I cherish are those of you and your mom, of Christmas Eve dinners followed by gift-giving and worship. Of course, Christmas mornings will never be the same either. At least, I hope not. Please do not wait outside my bedroom door and whisper to one another, “Is it 7:00 a.m. yet? Can we wake up Dad?”

As I approached this Christmas season, I purposely kept the holiday shopping and decorating to a minimum. Yes, part of it was just a reflection of my grieving. But I also have to admit that, in finding the comfort that only God can provide, I see Christmas in a whole new light. It has always been a joyful time as we celebrate the “Reason for the Season.” But now I am aware as never before that the Reason for the Season is not Jesus. The Reason for the Season is not the who but the why. Jesus came to give light to “those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death” (Luke 1:79). Now “tidings of comfort and joy” means more than just a Christmas cliché. 

Thank you for your love and support. I could not have made it through this year without you. The greatest gift your mom ever gave me was the five of you. I will forever celebrate her birthday, Christmas Eve, as a day to honor her for her precious five gifts, and I will forever celebrate the Lord’s birthday, Christmas Day, as a day that brought comfort to a hurting world and a wounded soul like me.

Come, let us adore Him! 

Love ya,

Dad

How did I survive these first holidays without my beloved?

I will not lie—it was not easy. Looking back, I realized I took substantive steps not just to survive, but to move forward and grow spiritually. 

First, know that’s it’s ok to cry, even in the presence of family and friends.

I quit being embarrassed when moisture filled my eyes. I had long discovered that tears have a cleansing effect. Whenever I prayed, sometimes, a single tear would cascade down my cheek. Other times, I could hear the splash. Nevertheless, my soul always felt refreshed following a good cry—I considered such moments but a physical reflection of a spiritual soul-wash as the Lord renewed my spirit. 

Second, find time to volunteer.

Getting out of the house and doing volunteer work to serve others has a soul-enriching aspect to it. 

Third, don’t forget to exercise.

Soon after my loss, I started to walk with a friend who had also suffered a loss. He and I walked miles together. The physical exercise was good in more ways than one, especially triggering those positive-feeling endorphins.

Fourth, be generous.

While volunteer work reflects the generosity of time, consider being generous with other gifts. Be a Secret Santa and bless others anonymously.

Fifth, humbly accept the generosity of others.

When someone invites you to a party, offers to visit, or provides a meal, just say thank you and accept it! I found it oddly difficult to be on the receiving end of blessings. It taught me humility while allowing others to serve the Lord by helping me through a tough time.

Sixth, come before the Lord in daily prayer and worship.

Though tempted at times to lock yourself away in the corner of a dark room, resist it. I attended daily Mass when I could and never missed a Sunday. A men’s group at my parish invited me to join their men’s prayer group. It became a weekly habit for six years. When I remarried, my wife Patrice shared that she too, having suffered loss, found solace in prayer, especially praying The Divine Mercy Chaplet.

Seventh, develop a heart of gratitude.

Yes, I know that sounds counterintuitive. I am not suggesting you be grateful for your loss. Instead, focus on what you had rather than what you lost. Again, there is a time to grieve, and by all means, do so. I will never forget what I’ve lost, but I discovered an amazing grace—a grace birthed by the gratitude I expressed to the Lord for the blessings He had given me and for the joy of a beautiful marriage.

You may be lonely and you may be experiencing the loneliest time of your life, but always remember—you are never alone.  

I know, I discovered this Truth in the words of Psalm 34:19

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed.”