Looking For A Valentine's Date? Here Are 3 Reasons To Wait

My heart goes out to anyone who has gone through a divorce and then has to experience the painful sting of Valentine's Day. Although it is a minor holiday, it is a major deal for a lot of people because it's a terrible reminder of their lost marriages and the unwanted, unwelcome "new normal" they now have to face.

It makes sense then, that if you've been through a divorce you're likely tempted to begin dating right away with hopes that finding someone new will ease the pain of your loss. And as luck would have it, everyone you know always has the "perfect" person to set you up with. Even well-meaning but misguided friends and family members might encourage you to get back out there and find someone you can be happy with. But should it really be that easy to move from being married to dating again? Although this may seem like a very simple, cut-and-dried issue to a Catholic who has never been through a divorce, it is not to a Catholic who has and for many reasons.

I, myself, struggled mightily with this question when I was in this stage. On the one hand I didn't want to date, I wanted to be married to my husband. But that was out of the question, for he was long gone and not looking back. That alone motivated me to want to find someone who would really love me. Truthfully, I was very confused and needed some answers, so I asked a priest I trusted about this. He knew I had compelling grounds for an annulment case, and his answer was, "Based on what I know about your situation, there should be no reason why you can't date." Although the priest was “technically” correct, the advice was problematic in practice and for good reason.

He was technically correct because there is nothing in Canon Law or the Catechism of the Catholic Church that specifically prohibits one from dating after a divorce. The only across-the-board mandate regarding a new relationship after a divorce comes from a tribunal at the beginning of the annulment process which states no plans for a new marriage can be made before a final decree of nullity is received. In some nullity cases the Tribunal places a prohibition for remarriage on one or both of the parties because there may be psychological or other issues that need to be addressed. But those address remarriage, not dating. There are many people who are divorced and are not ready to date at all, as was the case for me, but they're given permission to do so based on this technicality.

This leads many divorced Catholics to sincerely believe their next best step is to go out and find another serious relationship, but in practice, jumping right back into dating again can create some real problems. Here is what you should take note of if you find yourself in this position:

• All marriages are considered to be valid/sacramental unless proven otherwise by the annulment process. Only a decree of nullity (annulment) can determine whether a valid/sacramental bond exists between you and your ex-spouse. If you haven't been through the annulment process and received a decree of nullity, you are still regarded as married, which would make dating illicit. If you are in this situation, I encourage you to give the annulment process a try, especially so you don't miss out on one of the most important steps to take in preparing for a new relationship. The annulment process offers two critical elements: a deep sense of healing and a clear answer about your new direction.

• There are no shortcuts to healing. In my new book due out in May, The Catholic Guide To Dating After Divorce, I talk a lot about the false notion of love that society gives us in that it's not really love at all, it's using people for your own gratification. Lovers become users and if you date to ease your pain, that's using someone to please yourself. It's a good point to reflect upon because using people in this way is one of the root reasons we have disposable marriages to begin with.

• The wounded heart attaches easily. Trying to form an attachment before the heart is strong and ready for that kind of commitment only compounds the wounded-ness. That is why so many people go from relationship to relationship without ever finding that peace and fulfillment they seek.

These are important points to consider before you begin dating because, again, the goal is to set you on a path to happiness. If you enter into a relationship before you're ready, you run the risk of making some very painful mistakes. How would I know? I've made those mistakes and I'd really like to help you avoid them.

I look forward to receiving your feedback and questions at asklisa@catholicmatch.com.