Looking For Peace After Divorce? Here's One Great Way To Start

Are you in the process of rebuilding your life after divorce—trying hard to forgive, forget, and make a fresh start—but find it difficult to let go of your anger?

If so, this is a natural occurrence and can be a difficult hurdle to overcome, especially when your anger is justified. Allow me to share with you a story about my friend, Jack.

Jack had been through a terrible divorce. He came home from work one day and his wife had packed up the house and the kids and left. She didn't leave a note to say where she was going or how she could be reached. From that point forward he was at the mercy of her whims. She would contact him when she wanted and wouldn't respond to any of his attempts to contact her. He didn't get to see his children. Then the court battle came and drained him of all his financial assets. When it was all over, he was broke, his small business was gravely suffering, and he was dealing with major depression.

One day we were talking about it all and it was clear he was dealing with overwhelming emotions of anger and resentment. But he blew me away when he told me his goal each day was to try and see Jesus in his ex-wife.

His response was not one of revenge or rage, but he was trying to find God in this difficult situation. He was looking for a reason to love his ex-wife and not hate her.

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine grower.

He takes away every branch in me that does not bear fruit,

and every one that does he prunes so that it bears more fruit."

Jack's life was certainly pruned through all his losses. He had every reason to be angry but he chose love and this is a real life illustration of the Gospel: every one of the branches God prunes so that it will bear more fruit.

It's hard to see the crosses we bear as something good for us, but it's a fact that these sufferings were meant to be fruitful. They are supposed to help us mature in our faith and mature in wisdom. They are supposed to elevate our ability to love to a higher level. And in some way, they are supposed to bring joy.

Joy through suffering? Sounds insane but it's true.

There is a joy that comes from suffering when you know that you're doing it the right way. You've attached spiritual and eternal meaning to it by offering it up for someone else and by searching for God in the midst of your suffering.

If you are able to do this, it's not just that you've avoided the pitfalls of being angry, it means you've grown in your ability to love. Here is a beautiful, poignant quote from one of my favorite books, The Gift of Faith:

"It is not easy to love someone whom we dislike. That is why we must open ourselves to Christ and feel like helpless children in the face of the crushing waves of negative feelings. We must have the attitude of a child who is helpless when faced with matters relating to God, people, the surroundings and the environment. This is an attitude of trusting faith, believing that Jesus, Himself, will come and will love in us even those whom we do not like. It is this kind of attitude that will enable us to come to the agape love. Ultimately, when negative feelings increase in us or at least the positive feelings fade, only Christ is able to love in us. Thanks to Him, our will should have a freedom from emotions, or at least, it should strive to have this kind of freedom" (The Gift of Faith, Father Tadeusz Dajczer, 212-213).

Doesn't that just strike to the heart of the matter?

I know this can be very difficult to put into practice. Maybe your ex-spouse is a real jerk and I don't just mean men. Women can be real jerks, too. Maybe you're in the middle of a court battle and can barely face your ex-spouse. Maybe you were in an abusive relationship and have sustained terrible hurts over a long period of time. There could be many reasons to react angrily to your ex-spouse and they're probably all justified. But if you think of Jack and his reaction, it's really exactly what Jesus did when he was being nailed to the cross. Father, forgive them for they know not what they do. That's the kind of love we're called to have.

What is your response to your suffering? How have you responded to your ex-spouse since your divorce? Has the pruning God has done in your life resulted in more fruit? I encourage you to give it a try. Try to see Jesus in your ex-spouse or in anyone else who's hurt you. I believe you will experience great peace in the midst of your suffering if you do.

Got questions? Send them to me at asklisa@catholicmatch.com.