I sat beside the tabernacle after a breakup and probably sighed audibly. "How," I asked Jesus, "could this one not have lasted?" Until earlier that day, it made so much sense for us to be together.
The guy I'd just broken up with was immersed in Catholicism; so was I. He was a virgin, and I was too. We aligned on every value that came up. We even had shared hobbies. And absolutely none of it made the relationship work. The same could be said for most of the relationships I've been in—until I met my husband.
Even he would agree that, on paper, he didn't look good for me like those other guys did.
But after we started dating, I could tell he had something those other guys didn't—exactly what I needed in a husband.
If I had ruled him out because he wasn't what I expected, I'd probably still be out there looking for him. I wouldn't have learned yet that "what I expected" in a guy wasn't good for me.
Is what you've been looking for actually good for you? Or is it possible your future spouse has some traits you usually use to rule people out?
Maybe it's time for you, like it was for me, to date outside the box.
Here are 4 traits that shouldn't stop you from dating someone.
- A Sordid Past
Sure, some sordid pasts are harder to bounce back from than others—some bad behavior can impact a person for life. But if we rule people out because of the unethical, illegal, or otherwise risky ways they used to spend their time, we're really ruling people out who've grown. Why would we want to do that?
Marriage requires spouses to grow. People with sordid pasts have proven they can do that. They are often the same people who are breaking generational curses or who have powerful conversion stories and are living healthy, holy lives in the present. You don't need a spouse who was virtuous 10 years ago. You need one who's virtuous today.
- Sexual Experience
Chastity requires that any sexual activity we engage in is free, total, faithful, and fruitful. Free means you chose this; you haven't been forced or coerced. Total means you're giving all of you, for all of your life. Faithful means it's exclusively with each other, not alone or with anybody else. And fruitful means you cooperate with your fertility, and the activity you engage in is life-giving in other ways—it honors both partners' dignity.
You do have to be married for sex to be total.
But you don't have to be a virgin. Part of the beauty of chastity is the fact that anybody can practice it, starting now, even if you never have. Somebody who is saving sex from now on is somebody who is honing the skill of saying no to sin and yes to virtue. That's a skill worth bringing into marriage, which is intended to sanctify you both.
- Children
Most people imagine starting a family in one specific way: Get married, make babies. But Ephesians 3:20 reminds us that God is "able to accomplish far more than all we ask or imagine." What if your date could become the dad God wants him to be because his marriage to you is what God's going to use to shape him? What if God thinks you're just the father figure your date's kids' need?
There are many factors that can complicate life when you date somebody with kids—sometimes, exes (and ex-in-laws!) are involved. Your significant other's availability might revolve around school pickup, soccer games, or nap time. But if we open our hearts to potential mates who are already parents, we might find we have more than one person to love: a spouse, plus his or her children.
- Appearance
I used to joke about wanting a husband who's a Catholic chiropractor with dreadlocks and a Scottish accent. My husband has just one of those traits (he's Catholic). But in my nearly two decades of dating before I met him, I learned that traits like these, including how a person looks, are never as compelling as who a person is. So why are some people still ruling potential matches out because of appearance?
That includes height, weight, shape, hair, eye color, clothing style... I could go on. "But I have a type," some say. OK, and who says you have to stick to it? What if your history of dating people who fit a certain mold is the only reason you don't know yet how good for you somebody is who doesn't fit in it? You might be surprised by what happens when you branch out.
You might find that you've been looking for the wrong kind of date after all.
And you just might find your spouse.
