Why Everything You Think You Know About Love Is Wrong

I read a fantastic article in Time by the comedian Aziz Ansari, titled "Everything You Thought You Knew About L-o-v-e Is Wrong." It's a wonderful and humorous illustration of how the secular world is seeing the myriad faults in our relationships—and what we can do to fix them.

Ansari relates how we now have so much information at any time, that we feel compelled to do all sorts of "research" before we make even simple decisions. He compares his inability to decide what to eat for dinner with the simple way his parents' arranged marriage unfolded. Ansari checks apps and social media to find the best dining option in his area, before settling on cooking for himself on his tour bus. In contrast, his father met three women: one was too tall, one was too short, and one was just fine. However, both of his parents had the same upbringing and expectations for their marriage; they weren't too worried about the minor details.

Online dating gives us a seemingly inexhaustible treasure trove of possible spouses and we can spend hours showing ourselves in our best light and setting detailed parameters about who we are looking for. Unfortunately, despite all of the matches we find, we're anxious that a better match might be on the next page.

We often are so focused on our idealized partner that we become overwhelmed and burned out over the immense task of sifting through results. Because we are visual people, browsing countless pictures of potential mates triggers feelings—good and bad. We're all trying so hard to find "the one"—and if we don't, we can become depressed and feel like we've failed.

Ansari describes two types of love: passionate and companionate:

"In the first stage of a relationship, you have passionate love. This is where you and your partner are just going crazy for each other. Every smile makes your heart flutter. Every night is more magical than the last. During this phase, your brain floods your neural synapses with dopamine, the same neurotransmitter that gets released when you do cocaine.

Like all drugs, though, this high wears off after 12 to 18 months. At a certain point, the brain rebalances itself. In good relationships, as passionate love fades, companionate love arises to take its place. If passionate love is the cocaine of love, companionate love is like having a glass of wine."

A critical point in relationships is at this transition point. If we have entered a relationship based on shallow flutters, it will be doomed. It's only when we realize the meaning of marriage and the sacrifices that go along with it that we're able to withstand the test of time. We have to learn to distinguish between deceptive emotions and a true intellectual decision that this person will be a good marriage partner. While we should be attracted to our future spouse (obviously!), our love must be based on important common values to last.

Sometimes life presents us with practice "red flags" as a way of warning us to not let emotions sway our decisions. For example: Almost every day I come home from work wanting to devour unhealthy snacks and just plop on the couch to watch baseball. Even though my brain is telling me that drinking a glass of water and taking a jog will be better in the long run, I often give in to my feelings. And even though these feelings are so strong at the time, I always end up regretting my impulsive decisions. Just imagine how much worse it would be if we married someone based on feelings alone!

We all have parameters and deal-breakers when choosing a spouse—let's make sure that they are realistic ones that will help our marriage be a blessed one!