How to Ask Someone On a Date

So many people these days have bought into the prevalent hook-up culture. This behavior is glorified on TV and presented as normal. So when I go out to bars, I'm no longer surrounded by younger kids home from college (as I was 10 years ago), but I am also surrounded by older men and women, dressed in ridiculous "clubbing" outfits—on the prowl.

We can blame this phenomenon on the acceptance of promiscuity, the rise of divorce, or any number of things, but maybe there is a simple answer to at least one facet of the problem.

Professor Kerry Cronin, associate director of the Lonergan Institute at Boston College, teaches a seminar on philosophy, relationships, and personal development. This class includes an odd assignment: ask someone out on a date.

Her motivation is due to that fact that many college students view dating as a serious commitment, and therefore avoid it all together. Cronin believes that dating should be viewed as more of an exploratory activity. She also reminds students that "dating requires the courage to be vulnerable to another person." As one freshman put it, "It’s easy to hook up with someone you've just met in a dark room after having a few drinks. But asking someone out on a date in broad daylight, and when you actually have to know [her] name, can be really scary.”

Cronin found that many students had never actually asked anyone on a date, and because real dates are so rare, students no longer have a "social script" as a reference. So here are Prof. Cronin's rules for the assignment of asking someone on a date:

1. "The date has to be 45 to 90 minutes long with a person of legitimate romantic interest.

2. The student has to pay and has to make the invitation not by text or email but in person. ...

3. The date cannot involve alcohol, kissing, and sex."

The reactions to her assignment have been so great that many students take Cronin's class just to fulfill the dating assignment. Students often feel more vulnerable asking for a date then just "hooking up." Often they fear rejection, but they also fear the real face-to-face social interactions that are absent with the younger generation. While social media allows us to keep up with each other's lives at breakneck speed, we have lost some of the finer graces that are needed so desperately in personal communication.

Online dating, if used incorrectly, can also lead to the same results. We are quick to forget that dating sites are tools to help meet one another. Very often, it's easier to keep up a fun and interesting relationship online, rather than arranging to meet in person. Having to keep up a conversation with a stranger can be intimidating and awkward—but practice helps!

I was encouraged recently when a young man of my acquaintance told me of his latest foray into dating. He went to his bank, had a fun chat with the teller, and left. After some reflection, he "put his pants back on" (his words, not mine) and went back to the bank to ask the teller out.

The students in Cronin's class were nervous to push themselves out of their comfort zones, but even if there was rejection involved, all felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. Sometimes the hardest part is just asking the question.

The guidelines for this (kind of ingenious!) assignment can give us some tips for first dates too: ask the person out sooner rather than later, pay for the date, don't spend over a couple of hours with your date, and keep it clean.

So, why don't you give dating a try?