Confidence Really Does Make You Irresistible

In the movie Mean Girls, there is a scene where three of the most popular, beautiful girls in school are standing in front of a mirror critiquing their bodies. One girl laments that her hips are huge, another hates her calves, and the third critiques her “man shoulders.” Any other girl in school would long to be one of these three beauties, and yet, they didn’t even like themselves.

My wife and I watched a Miss America reality show once where the contestants had to go outside without makeup or points would be deducted from their score. These were some of the most beautiful women in the country, women that all young girls look up to and wish they could be. Yet, these women were too insecure to leave without make up.

Most of us find some fault with ourselves and with others. We are constantly noticing the things we don’t like about ourselves and lamenting about them. We wish we could look like her or him. “If I only had her legs or his fit figure, then I’d be happy.”

At the gym recently, I was admiring this man and how built he was when out of the blue, the guy asked me if I played sports. I told him 13 years of soccer, 10 years of baseball, and six years of tennis. He went on to compliment my lean figure, which he himself “wished he had.” Ironically, this happened two other times recently, even with a personal trainer whose body I had always admired. Strong and perfectly toned, and yet, he wished to have my “lean figure.” Really?

How funny! I was admiring their bodies, and they were admiring mine. Much of my life was spent hating myself and my body, constantly picking it apart. In high school and college, my self-esteem was rock bottom. I believed myself to be the ugliest person on earth. For more than seven years, I didn’t even look in the mirror because I hated the person staring back at me.

My life was spent zooming in on my faults and criticizing them. It occurred to me much later that if I ever hoped to love myself and find a lasting self-esteem, then I needed to reverse that habit. It is imperative to look at ourselves and others positively. Instead of focusing on our faults and the faults of others, and instead of focusing on what we don’t have and wished we had, it is so important to focus on our strengths and good qualities.

In college, a major revelation taught me this lesson. Walking back to my dorm room, I was in a really bad mood, and I put on a gloomy face to let everyone know. However, every person that walked past me gave me the biggest smile and told me to have a great day. Their faces lit up when they saw me. Honestly, their insensitivity angered me. Did they even notice my bad mood? No, they were all smiles. Why?

Then, it hit me. Maybe, just maybe, there was something good about me. It seemed apparent that I brought joy to people’s lives. I had a nice smile, a good sense of humor, and a great listening ear. At that point, the phrase, God doesn’t make junk became clear to me. If God made me, there had to be good in me. So, for the first time in seven years, I stood in front of a mirror looking at myself and contemplating my good qualities.

Perhaps I wasn’t the best looking guy out there, but I seemed to have an amazing gift of bringing joy to others. That would be my new focus. Even though there were things I didn’t like about myself, I would come to terms with them in time. My new goal was to maximize the gifts and talents God gave me and to work on making other people’s lives happier and better.

The change was earth-shattering. I quickly became one of the most popular and beloved people on campus simply by focusing on what I could do and not dwelling on what I couldn’t do. Listening to others, giving big hugs, complimenting and building people up, sharing countless smiles, and the like. Nothing major here, I just used the gifts in me to make people’s lives brighter, the gifts I had ignored because of my obsessive focus on the negative. But, it made all the difference. That’s the key to self-esteem!

If we hyper-focus on those things we don’t like about ourselves, that’s what people will see. But if we take time to contemplate our good qualities and then use those to the best of our best ability, we will not only like ourselves more, but we will make a difference in the lives of others.