Are You Dating a Person or a Cash Flow?
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“Let’s fly to Florida for a weekend—I’d love to take you to my favorite spot to watch the sunset over the ocean."
"And I’d love to take you to Europe sometime,” said my boyfriend.
Does this sound like something out of a romantic comedy? It felt that way, along with the designer dress and perfume he gave me for Christmas, and dates to very expensive restaurants, and top-dollar tickets to games.
This high-price tag dating style was something I, a very frugal lady in an entry-level job, was not accustomed to. But to my boyfriend, a Chief Officer at a very successful company, dropping this kind of cash didn’t make him bat an eye.
This difference in how we viewed money is an issue that many couples deal with, and easily could have become a stumbling block for us. In fact, differences in financial perspectives can go beyond being tricky and uncomfortable—it can even lead to fights, friction, abuse, or divorce.
So, should you date out of your income bracket? I personally think it is not about the money, but rather how you and your partner view and use money. So here are some ways to go about dating the prince—or the pauper!—in your life:
1. Look into your own wallet.
If you feel uncomfortable dating someone with more or less wealth than you, first take a look in the mirror: why is this tough for you? Do you think money is “the source of all evil?” Are your finances a source of shame for you, and if so, why? Do you feel a person who makes less than you isn’t living up to your standard of living or work ethic?
There are a lot of subconscious beliefs we may have around money and how much it plays into our identities. Really taking time to get clear on your view of money, and having a plan to use it before you partner with another person is important. It’s one of the ways to date as an adult, rather than a dependent.
Just remember this, if you start to feel overwhelmed: Money doesn’t matter, but managing it does. And no matter how much or little you have, you will feel much more confident if you are actively managing your finances.
2. Talk about it! It just might save your future.
If you have a super hard time bringing up the subject of money, cost of dates, or how much debt you have, you are not alone. A lot of us were taught that it’s “rude” to talk about income or bring up how much something costs. Well, I have news for you. If you want to have a successful marriage, or heck, even boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, you need to be able to talk about money. There is a reason money is one of the top reasons for fights in relationships—it’s important, used for everything, and you need to be on the same page as the person you share bank accounts with.
So, if you’re at a point of comfort or getting serious, start asking AND sharing (don’t make it an interrogation!). Here’s some questions to get the finance chat going (or check out this article on money topics to discuss):
—I’m really interested in ____(investing, saving, budgeting, earning more, giving to charity, getting/staying out of debt). What do you think about it?—What do you think are the things worth investing in?
—What would you never spend money on?
—In the future, how do you picture your life, i.e., salary, job, home, etc? How do you think you/we can get there?
—Do you have debt? Does it bother you? Do you have a plan to pay it back?
—What do you think about credit cards? How many do you have?
—Do you do your own taxes, have a savings account, or pay your own bills?
Consider: Has money always been hard to talk about for you, or just with this person? If you can talk finances fine with most, but not with this guy/gal, that may be a red flag.
3. Recommend dates in your price range
If they’re considerate, they’ll probably ask you what you’d like to do. Suggest things in your price range. There are thousands of free/low cost date ideas—google it or check out these 98 free date ideas. If they’re a decent human, they want to get to know you, not just the size of your wallet. And if they aren’t interested in the whole package, their net dateability worth = 0.
4. Sometimes, all that glitters isn’t gold.
There are instances when lavishing expensive dates and/or gifts upon you indicates insecurity, i.e. that person is leaning heavily on their wealth to make you approve of them or “win you over”. This indicates a deep sense of not feeling worthy or “good enough” as a person. Or, they may use fancy gifts or dates to try to hold your affection when there isn’t a solid enough foundation there.
This person may even be leading you to believe they are more wealthy or debt-free than they actually are. This is even worse, because they are lying to you and they’re terrible with money. Financial red flags may include: being secretive about their money and never wanting to talk about it, trying to control your money or lord theirs over you, borrowing money or asking for “loans” often, not sticking to a budget, credit card addiction/overuse, not paying bills on time, and having money values and practices not even close to yours.
Keep things as honest as you can, and don’t let your vision be clouded by sparkly things. Time and communication (or lack thereof) will let you know whether this is someone you want a joint bank account and bills with in the future. That’s what you sign up for in marriage!
5. And lastly, stop being a gold digger.
Hold on, hold on. Don’t get offended. You know you need to value them as a whole person and not just use them as a way to get toys and treats. This sounds obvious, however when it comes right down to it, the material things they offer might affect you more than you realize. If you find yourself postponing your decision whether to keep dating them “just a little longer,” or telling yourself you “aren’t sure if they’re the right person yet.”
Of course lovely dinners and gifts can be delightful, or that trip they’re planning to fly just the two of you to Europe can sound incredibly alluring. And most of us want a financially stable, debt-free partner. Those aren’t bad things to want.
Be brutally honest with yourself: Would I be dating this person if they had little or no money? If they never gave me a gift again? What if I had to support THEM someday? These questions tell you whether this is the kind of person you could follow through on the “for richer OR poorer” thing someday.
Because that’s what you deserve, and so do they. Someone who means those vows with all their heart, and is willing to work with you as a team to make it happen.
Find Your Forever.
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