Can You Say 'Yes' Forever in Marriage?

Editor’s Note: In preparation of the World Meeting of Families (WMOF) in September, CatholicMatch Institute is excited to present a series from the USCCB Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth. Each post will offer reflections from the preparatory catechesis Love is Our Mission: The Family Fully Alive. I will be co-presenting at the WMOF with CatholicMatch CEO and co-founder, Brian Barcaro and CatholicMatch Institute contributor, Danielle Bean! We’ll be presenting on the topic, “Where is This Relationship Going? Dating as Discernment.” In this second post in the series we will take a look at the first chapter of the catechesis, Created for Joy. Read the entire series here. 

The first chapter of the WMOF Catechesis focuses on the universal call of love. Each of us is “created for joy” and the Lord desires us to be with Him forever. He wants us to be happy!

Pope Francis’s Lumen Fidei [LF] is quoted here: “Promising love forever is possible when we perceive a plan bigger than our own ideas and undertakings, a plan which sustains us and enables us to surrender our future entirely to the one we love” (no. 52). Many people today doubt the possibility of love lasting until death. They fear the risk of taking a vow; of committing themselves to an unknown future. It is, at its root, a crisis of faith. Do I believe in God? Do I believe He loves me? Can I, because of God, have enough faith in myself and in another person to say “yes” forever?

Flannery O’Connor wrote that faith is “trust, not certainty.” It comforts me that we can start small when we are practicing trust. In my relationship with God, I have needed many small steps of trust before undertaking any bigger leaps. The hard part, I find, is the seeming dissimilarity between human friendship and friendship with God. In human friendship, trust is built up as each person comes through for the other over time, but in our relationship with God, it’s more an act of conforming ourselves to Him and His will—because He is always there for us, just not always in the way we want or expect.

I trust God because He proved His love for me on the Cross—not because He gives me what I want when I want it. Likewise, I expect that when I, God willing, come before God to marry a man that I love, I will trust that man, not because he conforms to my idea of who he should be, but rather because he has been given to me by God who is trustworthy. “God’s love is basic to our identity, and more fundamental than any anxieties, ambitions, or questions we may have” (LF, no. 16).

I have been created to love in trust: I have been created for joy!

What are some small practical ways we can build up trust with God?

Everyone’s experience is different, so I will just share a story of my own. When I finished my Master’s degree, I could not seem to find a job anywhere. My savings were rapidly diminishing, I had to move back into my parents’ house, and even a short-term gig I had for dog sitting fell through. I could not understand any of this; I thought, “I went to school to learn more about You, God, and You aren’t even helping me out here!” I hit a super low point when my mom told me I’d gotten something in the mail from the VA department of taxation. I immediately started to cry, because I knew I had note done my VA taxes, and I figured they were coming after me and my $13 in the bank. But when I opened the envelope it was a check… for the amount I would have gotten dog-sitting. This is a small experience I have gone back to any number of times when I have been unemployed or needed money for something or other. God will always provide, even at the 11th hour.

What are some small practical ways we can build up trust in our human friendships especially after we have been rejected or hurt?

Again, so much depends on individual circumstances. I think the beginning of friendship is the time to test the waters, to see whether you are well-matched in terms of personality, openness, or trust. Friendship grows slowly and naturally—as Aristotle put it, the desire to be friends may arise quickly, but friendship itself does not. It is built over time with consistency in presence and action. I have had many instant connections with people who didn’t end up being my friends because of distance or time constraints; on the other hand, I have a number of friends who I did not connect with right away, but have become very important in my life over time. As to rejection and hurt: we all hurt one another. Asking for forgiveness and forgiving are a normal and important part of friendship. But there are also times when it may be best to step back, particularly if the “friend” is abusive in any way. This requires prayer and prudential judgment.

How do we overcome our fear of the unknown and allow ourselves to become as God wants: created for joy?

Prayer! Prayer is the best preparation for any and every thing, since it is drawing close to the source of life and joy. It can also help to look back at your life and note how God has taken care of you in unexpected ways and in unideal circumstances, and remind yourself of these whenever you feel anxious. Hans Urs von Balthasar has an awesome reflection on Martha and Mary in his book The Christian and Anxiety, in which he points out that Jesus intentionally waits before responding to Martha and Mary’s news about Lazarus’s illness; he allows them to feel anxious, even abandoned by him, for a greater purpose.

Action Items:

• Think of three friends you have who live near you. How can you be a better friend to them?
• Think of three friends who live far away. What can you do today to let them know you care about them?
• Write down in a journal a few times that you remember God "coming through" for you at a difficult time. Dog-ear that page so that you can turn back to it whenever you need reminding.
• Pray an act of faith, or the short “Jesus, I trust in you” prayer from St. Faustina