Can I Ever Have a Healthy Relationship Again?

How can you have a healthy marriage in your future when you failed so badly in a previous relationship?

"When a child falls, what does he do?” Asks Pope Francis.

“He raises his hands to his mother or father to help him up. Let us do the same! If you fall into sin through weakness, raise your hand: the Lord will take it and will help you to get up again… The dignity that God's forgiveness gives us is that of getting up again, of always getting back on our feet, because He has created man and woman so that they might stay on their feet.”

But what if you feel like you have made an irreparable mistake?

Maybe you cheated on your spouse and your family fractured as a result. Multiple lives were negatively affected. You feel like dirt and you’ve given up on the possibility of ever being happy again. Or maybe you didn’t cheat, you were just selfish and didn’t treat your ex with the love they needed. Now you feel remorse and shame about it. 

Remorse and shame are a good thing. It means you are capable of caring and loving better in the future. 

Singer Derek Webb, who experienced divorce, captures the feeling well in the lyrics to his song “Goodbye, For Now”: 

So you left me here to document the slow unraveling

Of a man who burned the house down where he kept everything 

Sometimes we burn our house down and everything unravels. But even in Webb’s song, there’s a hint of hope. He says goodbye… “for now.” Maybe he’ll get back up. Maybe he’ll grieve his failures and rise again to live a better life. It’s not impossible.

So where does the recovery start? I believe it starts by being honest about your sins and owning them. 

Don’t try to justify your failures. Own them. 

Acknowledge that you are human and you went wrong. Repent of your failures and ask God to forgive you. As Pope Francis said: “God never tires of forgiving us; we are the ones who tire of seeking his mercy.” Indeed, we can feel tired of trying. But God will forgive us if we ask him.

The next step is to consciously choose to start the road to healing. 

Some people accuse Christians of using God as a crutch. To which I say: absolutely! There’s nothing wrong with using crutches. We are all walking around on broken legs, especially during a trauma like divorce or a failed relationship. Crutches allow the brokenness inside us to start healing. It takes time, but it happens. Lean on God and he will bear you up, allowing the broken bones inside you to set and mend. After a period of recovery, you can get back on your feet again.

Another crucial step is to forgive yourself for your mistakes and failures. God will forgive you, but you must also grant yourself forgiveness. It may feel hypocritical or unfair or hard. But if God forgives you, who are you to not forgive yourself? 

Your sins, no matter how awful, are never greater than Jesus’s sacrifice on the cross to forgive and free you. Accept it.

Finally, know that it’s never over until it’s over.

As long as you’re breathing, you can make the choice to do better. You have the power to improve yourself. You may never get back what you had before. But you can move forward and start something new.

You’ll make mistakes again, of course, because you’re human. You will fumble and you’ll also succeed. Mother Teresa said: “God doesn't call us to be successful, he calls us to be faithful.” That’s all he asks. 

Be faithful to the life and second chances he has given you. Do your best. 

That’s the whole point of Christianity and our Catholic faith. We are not meant to accept defeat and wallow in it. We can get back up and walk, even run, again.

To me, Jesus’s parable of the prodigal son illustrates this more strongly than anything. 

The son took his father’s inheritance, ran off, and squandered it in sin. He ended up fighting with pigs for their food. He was royalty, but now he was on the level of swine.  He could have given up and chosen to lay down and die there in the slop. But he remembered he was his father’s son and he got back up and went home. 

Not only did his father take him back, his father literally ran to embrace him before he was even home. He hugged his neck, put a clean robe on him, and threw a party to celebrate his return.

God is waiting to lavish the same undeserved love on you when you get up and try again. 

The rest of your life doesn’t have to be a miserable funeral. It can be a party. You can become a better person and love again.

Own your sins. Choose to do better in the future. Use God as a crutch to help you recover. Forgive yourself and accept your Father’s forgiveness. Shake off the slop and start living again, better this time. God wants that for you. 

Your past mistakes do not define what your future relationships will be. Mistakes leave marks on us, but they don’t define us. You may be a sinner, but you are also a son or daughter.

The past is behind. The future is ahead.