The Birds, the Bees, and the Struggle of the Single Catholic

Shall we have a talk about the birds and the bees?

The type of conversation one has as a child or tween, but an adult version of it. As a youngster, we are given the information regarding the mechanics of sex, body maturation, and hopefully the morality to go along with it. 

Then we move on with life and expect it to take its natural course, e.g., dating, engagement, and marriage. What if that does not happen? What if you are single and struggling to meet a suitable spouse? 

The Catechism of the Catholic Church tells us the following:

“Sexuality affects all aspects of the human person in the unity of his body and his soul. It especially concerns affectivity, the capacity to love and to procreate, and in a more general way the aptitude for forming bonds of communion with others.” 

Furthermore, it goes on to state in §2333 that “Everyone, man and woman, should acknowledge and accept their sexual identity.” But what if a man or woman is single?

Being single does not mean that you are not a sexual being. It just means that a person should not act on their sexual desires outside of the marital relationship. “Let marriage be honored among all and the marriage bed be kept undefiled, for God will judge the immoral and adulterers.” (Hebrews 13:4) (also see CCC §2336, §2353, §2390) This is difficult, because the way of the world screams a message that is completely opposite to the way of God and the Church.

Also, sexual desire is real and powerful.

God created us with this desire and therefore, it is good. The sex drive is meant to “drive” us to marriage, as “the man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” (Genesis 2:25) As one remains single, however, sexual desire does not dissipate. This, I believe, is a real struggle for many singles that no one talks about. However, it is a conversation that needs to be had. 

I was single until the age of 42.

Notwithstanding the deep desire I had for a husband and to share my life with someone, I did not want to commit sexual sin before God. Many times, I would plead with God, “I am on your side and I want to do things your way. Please help me out by bringing me a spouse.” When it did not happen, or I struggled and fell, I become angry with God for what I perceived as something that could have been easily resolved with the provision of a husband. “For it is better to marry than to be on fire.” (1 Corinthians 7:9b)

What I came to realize was that my predicament was disordered in two ways. First, I was suffering from prolonged singleness. Since I was called to marriage and had yet to see my vocation fulfilled, I was undergoing the effects of living a marriage-less life into middle-age.  

Furthermore, there was another unforeseen reason for my hardship.

When I was younger, I left the Catholic Church. During that time, I had put aside much of the sexual morality I had been raised with. When I returned to the Catholic Church, I brought all of this to the sacrament of confession. However, the scriptures tell us in the Song of Songs, “Do not arouse, do not stir up love before its own time.” (Songs 2:7b, 3:5b). And the time for love is when you are married. 

These earlier experiences, I believe, made my time of prolonged singleness harder to bear as I had knowledge of things I was only supposed to experience inside the sanctity of the marital relationship. I had awakened love before it was time. 

Whether or not you have awakened love before it is time, persevering through prolonged singleness and keeping one’s thoughts, desires, and emotions in check is hard. A person may fear they have missed out on opportunities outside of marriage, only to see their younger years be a fleeting memory in the rearview mirror of life. 

Therefore, I encourage you to not give in to hopelessness or despair.

Following God’s ways is always better even when it is the harder path, “yet later it brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who are trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11b) And should you fall, immediately cry out to God. He wants to forgive you, heal you, and help you get married.   

Do you struggle with unfulfilled sexual desire? Do you believe the Church’s teaching on sexual intimacy as if it came straight from the hand of God? Why or why not? Do you get angry with God for letting you suffer this way? Have you shared this anger with God in prayer and/or taken it to confession? Why or why not?