A friend stopped by the other day to talk to my husband about his plans to move somewhere else.
Anywhere but here where, he claims, there are no good, single, Catholic women in sight.
Now, I can think of a few really wonderful women who would love to settle down with someone like him, but between the initial contact and the second date, something happens to send our friend, and a lot of men like him, running off to a whole new state. Even the secular media has begun to notice that men are giving up entirely on finding love, or at least happiness, in marriage.
You see, while women’s sources are saying we should weed out all the ‘toxic’ men with a battery of dating boundaries designed to ensure that only the most sensitive, affirming, gentlemanly, and attractive survive, our process ends up weeding out exactly the type of men we’re hoping to find. Men are frustrated by a dating process that boxes them up into neat categories. They’re walking away from the great women, and they don’t even know what their missing.
So, how can we stop this cycle? Let’s look at four common and antagonistic approaches to dating.
1. The interview
It’s not just a date, it’s an interrogation. Approaching a relationship with a battery of tests that scrutinize everything from his views on immigration to his past history with porn. These questions reduce your potential date to a interviewee at best, or a crime suspect at worst; and neither is going to make him feel particularly eager for round two.
The truth is, while dating is about getting to know someone and discerning compatibility, interrogation isn't the best way to go about it. Nobody likes being treated as “guilty until proven innocent.” As much as you may want to know whether you two click on social issues and morality, until you have an actual relationship, he doesn’t owe you answers or explanations.
Turning your dates into interrogation time makes you look angry and insecure. Instead, get to know his personality, let him get to know yours. Compatibility is about so much more than just agreeing on all the right issues.Try bringing up interesting issues in a natural way, listen to his perspective, and save the heavy conversations for later.
2. The half-joking dismissal
It’s supposed to be funny. Entertainment is full of bumbling guys who don’t mind being mocked by the women in their life. But in reality, when women throw around terms that mock and demean men, they turn good men off.
No guy wants his opinion dismissed as ‘mansplaining’, his illness discarded as a ‘man-flu’, or his dating preferences described as internalized misogyny. Especially if you still expect him listen and care about your opinions. Don’t start out the relationship by relegating him to a comedic role.
Think about how you like to be treated. Would you be happy dating a man who dismissed all your opinions because of your gender? Would you like to be told that your illness was a delusion? Or would you prefer a man who can disagree without tearing you down? Treat his perspective with respect, and expect the same from him. Kindness really is attractive!
3. Casual Friday, forever
We live in a pretty laidback culture. Cheap, casual clothes are everywhere. You may be naturally gorgeous, but if you don’t care enough to dress well for a date or even get dressed in real clothes 5 days out of 7, then you’re telling your date he’s not worth the effort. Can you imagine the first impression he’d be giving if he showed up to your date in sweatpants and an oversized shirt?
The truth is, he might love your brilliance and funky personality; and he might decide to date someone who doesn’t look like she raids the men’s section of Goodwill. Not because he has impossible beauty standards, but because he thinks it’s dishonest to date a woman he doesn’t find attractive.
Keep your personal style, but tidy it up a bit. If you want an attractive, put-together guy, then be an attractive, put-together lady. It’s that simple!
4. Living the cliche
Remember the ‘crazy ex-girlfriend’ trope? It’s becoming less of a cliche and more of a reality for guys everywhere. If he has no idea if you’ll be affectionate or angry when he plans a surprise dinner out on Valentine’s Day, you know something’s gone wrong.
Contemporary women have gotten the reputation for being volatile. Men looking for Ms. Right, are looking for a woman they can trust: not just to live with them in fidelity, but to create a home with him where he doesn’t have to walk on eggshells.
So, if you don’t want to him to block your number and reconsider monastic life, try tossing aside the advice you see on Buzzfeed and spend some time just getting to know the man across the table (or screen). He’s worth the effort, and so are you.
