Women Want a Hero

Where have all the real men gone?

Andrea (not her real name—to protect the innocent!) told me about a recent date with a young Catholic fellow she met at Theology on Tap.

“We had a great conversation over dinner. We had a lot in common, and we were getting along really well.”

As they were leaving the restaurant, her date told Andrea how much he had enjoyed getting to know her, and that he would like to get together again.

Then he casually dropped the bomb.

“I’m actually trying to discern whether I am called to the priesthood or to the married life. Talking with you really helps me further clarify things…”

“I felt like I was being used as a test subject to stand in for the ‘married vocation’ side of the equation," she said. "It just didn’t seem right to be dating at the same time as prayerfully considering a vocation to the priesthood. I’d be competing with God!”

To be fair, the young man had thought of it rather differently; this was one of the few young women he felt that he could open up with, and reveal his innermost thoughts. In his mind, it was sort of a compliment.

A back-handed one, if you ask Andrea.

This is not an uncommon scenario. In fact, I have heard Andrea’s tale from many other young women.

By now, the guys are protesting: You women want it both ways! You complain when we don’t talk and then you complain when we do! You want us to sweep you off your feet, but then you tell us we are Neanderthals! You act like you can handle everything, and then you get mad when we let you take the initiative. You don’t know what you want!

So what do women want?

We want men to be real and authentic—to be heroes.

What is a hero? A man who conquers his fears and selfishness and is not afraid to sacrifice for those he loves.

John Eldredge author of Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul says:

“Deep in his heart, every man longs for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.”

Men are called by God to be heroes.

Be strong and steadfast! Do not fear nor be dismayed, for the Lord, your God, is with you wherever you go (Joshua 1:9).

That heroism that is deep within the soul of each man is longing to come alive and it can only be developed in a man by other men. But for whatever reason true masculinity has been suppressed in many men. To avoid upsetting anyone, many men settle for being nice guys, but "nice" doesn't cut it.

“I wasn't mean; I wasn't evil. I was nice. And let me tell you, a hesitant man is the last thing in the world a woman needs. She needs a lover and a warrior, not a Really Nice Guy.” ~John Eldredge

What is a man to do? Here are a few suggestions.

Be true men

The first suggestion is a not so simple fix. This is the rediscovery—and activation of—true masculinity.  Masculinity doesn’t come ready-made in men. Although the archetypes of masculinity are deeply rooted in the male psychic structure, they need to be activated. Women often say about men, “Why do they always have to prove themselves?” Isn’t that rather juvenile? But men must perform courageous acts daily in order to develop their masculinity. John Eldredge explains:

“Every man is a warrior inside. But the choice to fight is his own.”

The warrior selflessly fights for the glory and honor of his country, God, and his friends. He is neither a killer, nor macho, but a noble protector. The king leader creates order and structure so that his people can grow and develop. The lover understands the needs of his wife and the wise counselor listens and guides. Men must discover these archetypical masculine roles—and activate them.

Jesus Christ is the perfect fulfillment of all the archetypes.

To go back to Andrea’s situation at the beginning of this article, her date was asking her to be the “wise counselor” and serve as a sounding board while he waited to “find himself.” (But, as St. John Paul II told us, man only finds himself in the sincere gift of self!) It should be the man who is warrior and wise counselor, not the woman. The gentleman who makes all the arrangements for a date and then arrives on time, well dressed, with roses in hand, is the king and lover.

As one young woman told me, “I know I am able to take care of myself. I have confidence in that. But it sure doesn't take away the desire to have someone to take care of me (a protector, someone who makes me feel safe physically and emotionally).

The lover understands a woman's needs

Manners have gone by the wayside in today’s society. We really do appreciate it when the gentleman initiates the conversation, holds a door open for us, pays the bill, tells us we are beautiful, sends us flowers, notices attentively whether our glass needs refilling, calls us when he says he will call, takes charge of setting up the next date, and so on.

A friend of mine related a story in which a man with whom she was having a casual conversation left her sitting alone at the bar—knowing that she would have to walk to the car alone, late at night. She tells me, “It happens very frequently that we [ladies] all arrive at parties by ourselves and leave by ourselves. It never occurs to the guys that walking around after dark is not desirable.”

You don’t have to be attending an event in an urban crime center to walk the women to their cars. It is a simple case of good manners!

Often, what is driving the lack of manners is fear. Men are afraid that active attentiveness—or staying too long at the bar with a single female—may send the “wrong signals” (for example, that he is ready to sign up for marriage prep).

Live intentionally 

Another important aspect of a hero is commitment. By commitment, we don’t necessarily mean that whenever we go on more than two or three dates, we need to see an engagement ring! But women don’t like it when they feel that they are just being strung along, date after date, while the guy seems perfectly content to maintain the status quo—attending events together, hanging out at the local Theology on Tap, or just chatting over coffee. It never goes beyond that.

The woman wonders, “Is this going somewhere? Is he waiting to see if someone more attractive comes along? Is he keeping his options open? What is he thinking?” The guy seems perfectly content, while the woman is wondering.

Relationships are risky

What seems to be missing here is intimacy. Intimacy is essential to the development of compatibility on a deep level. Intimacy is not simply “being close”—going to Mass together, going dancing or out to eat. Intimacy is when you risk something. John Eldredge explains:

“God’s relationship with us and with our world is just that: a relationship. As with every relationship, there’s a certain amount of unpredictability, and the ever-present likelihood that you’ll get hurt. The ultimate risk anyone ever takes is to love, for as C.S. Lewis says, 'Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal.' But God does give it, again and again and again, until he is literally bleeding from it all. God’s willingness to risk is just astounding—far beyond what any of us would do were we in his position.”

A man who is ready for a relationship is ready to take a risk. He is ready for the battle to win his beauty.

So what do women really want? They want a man who knows what he believes, says what he means, and he is not afraid to make sacrifices for those he loves.

Women want a hero.

Editor's Note: Coming up Laraine will give equal time to the difficulties facing women as they attempt to discover their authentic femininity.