Why The Goal of Chastity Isn't Marriage

I didn't realize I could get it so wrong.

Much of my adolescent and young adult education regarding chastity came from the perspective of purity instead. The words were used interchangeably—chastity and purity—even though they are not exactly interchangeable by definition. But nonetheless, my understanding of chastity was shaped by the misused concept of purity. And it was damaging in many ways, which took many years to adjust and realign in my early 20s.

I was taught that the responsibility to “not lose one’s purity” was mostly on the woman, rather than the man. I understood that once you “lost” your purity, it was gone. And so was a part of you that you should really be devastated you lost, that you will feel the loss of for your entire life, redemption impossible.

I was taught that abstinence was an idea, not something to actually practice. And in the same fashion, waiting to have sex until marriage was archaic, something that could actually hurt your marriage (for how will you know if this person is truly right for you unless you’ve slept together?!), something that is laughable. So, in the same breath that we would be smart to sexually experiment with anyone we thought we could be compatible with, we were also expected to hold close and dare not lose our sexual purity.

The contradictions were exhausting.

In an attempt for all these ideas to offer sexual freedom, I actually only felt restricted. These teachings did not offer me any sort of freedom, only more questions. They didn’t lift a weight off my shoulders, they just led me to inner turmoil about what the heck I am to do with my virginity. Do I care about it, or brush it off? How do I care about it and still know if someone is “the right person” for me, if our sexual relationship was to be the defining sign of how we could spend our life together? All the language being used around the idea of chastity was of freedom, yes, but their implications were not. 

It wasn’t until I read the following sentence that I felt some hope in figuring it all out—what chastity was, how to deal with the booming sexual attitudes in dating, was it all truly something you just lost one day, how do you exactly lose it, etc.:

If you think marriage is super easy, and the celibate life is really hard, you actually misunderstand both vocations.

This sentence is paraphrased from a favorite book of mine, Into the Deep by Abigail Favale, which walks the reader through her conversion from a bra-burning, God-is-a-woman feminist to a devout Roman Catholic. And one of the topics she talks about so well is the topic of chastity, in its correct understanding.

Sex is a gift given to us by God through the unique design of our bodies.

It is the one and only act that we can partake in in order to procreate, and not even everyone on this Earth is given the privilege to successfully do that. All our physiological systems in our bodies are complete in themselves, save one: man and woman must come together to make another human person. A man cannot procreate without a woman; a woman cannot procreate without a man. 

I think a lot of people look at priests and think that because their life is void of sexual intercourse, they face an uphill battle unlike any they could ever partake in themselves. They see sex as a saving grace, a necessary release, a mandatory activity to achieve true happiness. And if you choose to not do that, well, your life is void of something worth feeling sorry for. And if you face any hardships, sex could fix that, if it was part of your life.

On the flip side, this lends itself to the belief that sex is necessary for happiness. That it can fix a lot of problems, that it can alone sustain a relationship or prove that it is the right one for you. A majority of people in our society believe that sex should go unchecked—hence, widespread use birth control and condoms. You shouldn’t have to abstain if you don’t want to; desire should never be denied. 

But sex cannot save a marriage. It cannot make a marriage.

It, alone, cannot sustain a marriage. Any married person will tell you that. If it could, I think we would have a lot less divorce. But we see the opposite in today’s society, with people not wanting to get married at all because divorce rates are so high. 

The goal of chastity is not marriage. The practice of chastity, of saving sex for marriage, and also remaining chaste in other forms of sexual activity, is not something you practice until you meet someone and then you’re in the clear to go crazy in the bedroom (another super contradicting teaching).

The practice of chastity is for your own holiness. It is to learn to respect and uphold sex in the context it ought to be held in, to have it rightly ordered in your life so that it is not something that controls you but something that you have control over. It is the same reason we show restraint in eating—so that food remains the gift that it is and we are not overrun by it, but rather have a healthy relationship with it.

There comes a point in time when, after eating chocolate bar after chocolate bar, it loses its sweetness. 

Chastity for every state in life.

Because of this reality, that chastity is a practice aimed at pursuing our own holiness, it is needed for all walks of life. No matter what your relationship status is, chastity is relevant to you. Single? Chastity is still necessary, and actually, laying the foundations of practicing it now will only serve you well should you ever be called to a relationship. Dating? It is never too early (or too late) to start practicing! Married? Chastity is actually expected of you, too!

Does that surprise you? It shouldn't. Just because you are married doesn't mean you get to have sex whenever you want. Ask any of the married couples you know and they will be sure to fill you in on the variety of situations where chastity is actually a very important part of marriage, such as (but certainly not limited to): avoiding pregnancy, during a period of illness, or when you and your spouse are apart due to work or travel.

Whether you are by yourself or in a relationship, your pursuit of holiness matters, and chastity is part of that. There are many things in our lives that can easily fall out of order, sex is one of them. And knowing that fact alone is a wonderful first step to beginning to practice chastity.