Parishes and dioceses around the country have a wonderful variety of ministries for children and teens, school children and college students, engaged and married couples and parents, the elderly and the homebound...but how many have an outreach to dating couples?
In culture today, men and women who are seriously dating are a formidable, yet fragile, group. From a developmental perspective, dating couples (both on an individual basis and together) go through a period of searching for their identity and meaning in relation to another person for whom they have romantic feelings. Ideally, through dating, they develop a friendship and discern more intentionally and specifically the call to marriage. Without seeing dating as connected to friendship or vocation discernment, these couples can easily fall into negative habits and sexual temptation.
At such a critical stage in the life of a person, the Church can respond to the needs and concerns of these couples, and walk with them towards their future, if that is to what God is calling them.
Marriage preparation shouldn’t begin just a few short months before the wedding. True marriage preparation begins long before that. Remote preparation begins already in the womb and continues as young people mature into adolescence and, ultimately, adulthood—even before dating begins.
To wait until the wedding date is set, the hall is reserved, the flowers ordered, and the catering menu finalized to begin formation for the sacrament of marriage might just be a little too late!
Dating couples need opportunities to assess their relationships, grow spiritually together, build faith-based communities with other dating couples, and have a way to share the joys and frustrations of dating in a positive environment within the Church. Good catechesis and pastoral care can offer the new couples the solid direction for wedding and marriage preparation programs in the future, if that is the trajectory of their relationship. And in some respects, such ministry can be the solid connection to a deeper, stronger community that can support and assist these men and women if they do break up or decide to take a step back for a time.
Outreach to dating couples
Admittedly, though, it’s difficult to develop an outreach and ministry to dating couples for the very reason that it’s difficult to identify who’s dating and what “dating” actually means.
Is “dating” when a man and a woman go out for dinner and a movie one time? Or does it mean going out on two or three or more of these excursions together? But does it count when friends tag along on these “dates"? Perhaps “dating” is when you’ve introduced the other person to your friends and family? Or is it when there is the serious conversation about being “exclusive"? Or when you’re “Facebook official"?
With all these parameters and questions, exactly how does a church “target market” a ministry to dating couples? And what happens if a couple attends a dating ministry activity, but breaks up a few weeks later? Are these men and women uninvited to attend anything with this church group until they start seeing someone again? Would it be awkward if a former boyfriend/girlfriend starts participating in ministry activities with a new date? How do the pastoral leaders and the participants navigate those challenging situations?
These frustrating scenarios are often the roadblocks for parishes and dioceses wanting to invest seriously in an outreach to dating couples. Pastoral leaders might think these concerns are too complicated to go any further and, as a result, little is done for the couples.
However, the worries about awkwardness and parameters pale in comparison to the good that can be done through an intentional ministry to dating couples. The best advice is to cross those bridges when we come to them. (Nonetheless, further work should be done to respond to these questions—this is definitely an area for continuing reflection).
In the meantime, parishes and dioceses, as well as college campuses, ought to seriously consider investing in intentional ministries for dating couples. In Sons and Daughters of the Light: A Pastoral Plan for Ministry with Young Adults (USCCB, 1996), the bishops of the United States suggest “a more dynamic and inclusive approach by involving young adults in the life of the local faith community and by developing specific initiatives within the young adult community.” A strong Catholic outreach to dating couples certainly qualifies as a worthy pastoral response to the pastoral needs of young people today. Young people especially need encouragement to approach dating in a proper light, namely, that of developing a friendship and discerning the call to marriage.
Here are some suggestions for developing this type of ministry:
• Hold a “date night” at the church, beginning with a prayer service, followed by dinner and dancing, open to all dating and engaged couples in the community (to allow a more intentional link between dating and the vocation of marriage).
• Invite dating couples to form small Christian communities with other dating couples to pray together, discuss the Sunday readings, or discuss faith issues or other topics of interest. These could also be combined with small groups for engaged or young married couples.
• Offer a presentation or workshop on effective tips for dating couples, as well as sessions on discerning the call to marriage and on the meaning of marriage as a sacrament and vocation.
• Create educational, spiritual, service, and social activities where young dating couples (and perhaps engaged or newly married couples) can be with each other.
• Provide pastoral and prayer resources (i.e. novenas or saints) for dating couples in the bulletin, the parish gathering area, and on the parish or ministry website.
• Make clear your availability to listen to, mentor, and advise dating couples so that when they hit a rough patch or are struggling with their discernment of this particular person or of marriage in general, they know who they can turn to.
No matter what specific program or initiative is done for these young couples, the fact that a parish or dioceses is investing this oft-forgotten population will, in and of itself, be a major step forward in the Church’s ongoing efforts at evangelization and outreach to all God’s people.
