Tell Them How You Feel ... NOW!

I am addicted to The Office lately. And I mean addicted. Thanks to the wonders of Netflix, I have been watching three to four episodes a day. I binge watch the TV series while I eat my breakfast or lunch or dinner or do my stretches or clean my living room—which is now remarkably clean.

I’ve seen the entire series before, but Pam and Jim’s relationship — always my favorite TV love story of all time — has re-captivated me. I think I like it so much because it is so real. There is no romantic soundtrack, no exotic location, but just a guy at work with a crush on the receptionist, who happens to be engaged to a loser who treats her badly.

I’ve had crushes on men I’ve worked with. I have dated men I’ve worked with. And it looked a lot like Jim and Pam. Watching all of the subtleties of their relationship — the glances, the flirting, the trying to figure out what to say and not to say — it is all very, very familiar.

Especially the “what to say and not to say.”

In the first season, Jim loves Pam but says nothing because she is engaged. Finally, in a heart-breaking scene in the season finale, he confesses his feelings to her.

Pam, just weeks from her wedding and stunned at the revelation, doesn’t respond as he had hoped. So he moves away — literally. He transfers to an office out of state. Even after he hears that she cancelled her wedding, he doesn’t pursue her again, because he’s hurt and afraid of being rejected again. In fact, when he is forced to move back to the Scranton office, he jumps into a rebound relationship just to protect himself, even though he is still in love with Pam.

The timing is unfortunate, because now Pam has fully realized her feelings for him, but says nothing because he is dating someone else. So you have two people in love with each other, but not admitting it.

And I watch and yell “Say something! Tell him! Tell her!” I read that, when editing the “Booze Cruise” episode, even the producer, watching the scene in the editing bay, was yelling “Kiss her!”

But that is what is so captivating about the show. It’s not easy to “say something.” We have all been there. We’re attracted to somebody — maybe even in love — but we want to stay cool. We want to preserve our dignity. There is an enormous risk in admitting our feelings when we have no reassurance that the other person shares them. We don’t want to be that vulnerable. We don’t want to say anything until we’re confident in the “I love you return.” Because if we don’t hear it, as Jerry Seinfeld said, “That’s a pretty big matzah ball to have hanging out there.”

So we wait. We watch. We play it cool, while analyzing every word, every action, every verbal and physical cue. (Well, at least we do if we’re women.) We build theories and scenarios.

Maybe we should just speak up.

I can think back to more than one relationship, or almost-relationship, where I remained silent and should have spoken up. I hid my feelings when I should have admitted them. It was a missed opportunity in the name of protecting my pride.

I can also think of times when I took the risk and admitted my feelings. Even when those feelings weren’t reciprocated, I never regretted it because I found out. I ripped off the band-aid and I moved on.

Jim Halpert took a huge risk at the end of Season Two, admitting to Pam that he loved her even as she was preparing to walk down the aisle with the wrong guy. Pam took a risk at the end of Season Three, when she admitted to Jim (and the entire office) that she cancelled her wedding because of him, and that she missed him.

If Jim hadn’t made himself vulnerable, she never would have cancelled her wedding. And if Pam hadn’t reciprocated, Jim would never have had the courage to pursue her again.

Obviously, The Office writers kept Pam and Jim from speaking up any sooner because they were motivated to keep them apart for as long as possible, to grow the suspense and the ratings for the show. They needed that tension, and it worked so well because they accurately portrayed the fear and vulnerability and self-protection that motivates us all to play our cards close to the vest.

We’re not living in a sitcom. We’re out here in real life. It’s easy to play “armchair quarterback” and tell a fictional character what he should do. It’s a little trickier when we’re in the middle of our own relationships, with our own fears and feelings overwhelming our good judgment.

There is a reason we are hesitant to share our deepest feelings, especially with the object of those deep feelings. It’s risky — to our pride, of course, but also to the relationship itself. The sharing needs to be proportional to the stage of the relationship. For instance, professing your undying love on a first date is a pretty good way to insure that it will also be the last date.

Showing interest on a first date and expressing openness to spending more time together is scary, too. We think: What if I’m interested, but he’s not? I’ll look like a fool.

Maybe. But if he is interested, he’ll welcome it. And if he’s not, what have you lost? He wasn’t going to call again anyway.

But when you’re Season Two Jim and Pam, when you’re ready to move out of the “friend zone” with someone you’ve known for a while — well, then maybe it’s time to be bold, speak up and rip off the Band-Aid.

Yeah, it’s risky. It if isn’t reciprocated, you may lose the friendship. But friendships distorted by unrequited love don’t generally work out well in the long run anyway.

But what if it is reciprocated? Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering?

Think about it. Better yet, pray about it. And then make your move.