Stop Discerning And Just Date
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I met the tall, dark, and handsome (albeit somewhat scruffy looking) man who would become my boyfriend two summers ago. Joe was groomsman in the wedding of a college friend and I guess you could say we hit it off pretty well — we took the dating plunge the following January. At the time I was completing my senior year of college in Kansas and he was holding down a job near San Francisco. We were long distance from day one.
A few months later while I browsed and applied to summer internships, Joe suggested I look for something in the Bay Area (aka near him). I was open to the idea—and God provided.
Needless to say we were ecstatic! I couldn’t wait to finally spend a good chunk of time with the person on the other end of the internet comics, extensive Spotify playlists, and late night phone conversations.
Oh, so you're going to California to discern
My best friend was thrilled for us, too. However at one point, in a burst of glee, she excitedly told someone that I was “Going to California to discern.”
The word was dripping with meaning that alarmed me. What did it even mean? Is that was I was doing?
Days later when I passed along the news to a guy friend he grinned and, winking, said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if you came back with a ring by the end of the summer.”
Wait, what? Really? Because I sure would!
Maybe I didn’t really understand the whole dating thing. Maybe I was being too casual about it. Joe and I hadn’t discussed marriage in detail yet. Should we have? How does one “discern”? Should I be expecting a ring? Is there a timeline or guidebook I missed? Some sort of master class?
The final straw happened when another well-meaning friend posited, “You should know by about the 6 month mark.”
Well that doesn’t leave me much time…
Help!
Before sending myself into a mental tailspin I took my concerns to spiritual direction where I was met with this guidance,
“The process of dating is threefold: fun, learning and growing, and discernment. In that order. If you’re in the first stages—don’t feel the need to jump to the third.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. This explanation quelled my fears and matched what I knew. Saint John Paul II in his famous work Love and Responsibility remarks that love begins as an attraction and matures as emotions become "simpler and soberer." Gradually, the relationship "will not only survive but grow stronger, and sink deeper roots."
This is not to say that our relationship didn't require work (with intentionality and pursuit of virtue at the heart) but we had no need to rush the process. Joe and I were free to grow at our own pace - and even to have fun while doing so!
It's silly to attempt discernment before dating
While being Catholic has been the greatest blessing in my relationship (and my life in general), the Catholic dating culture comes with its own counter cultural pressures, both hidden and overt.
My director helped me realize I felt the need for discernment before dating, as if I needed to figure out if Joe were my future husband first, and then I would be free to date him. This came from fear on my part—the fear of commitment and vulnerability relationships demand. If I knew he was the one beforehand, there would be no risk or putting my heart on the line.
I wanted to avoid "dating for fun" to the point where I was afraid to even have fun while dating—that’s not how Catholic’s do it, right? Wrong.
Not only should dating be fun, my director remarked, it can lead to more growth than almost any other factor. It's so real. And as you share life, the Lord can reveal more about yourself, your values, your friends and family, your faith: through the other. There is resistance, times of painful growth, but ultimately immense potential for sanctity.
I could have missed all the Lord had in store for me if I focused on "discerning the future" instead of assessing the present and meeting Him where He was meeting me!
The crux of long distance difficulties
Unfortunately for Joe, my imagination often gets the best of me.
It is especially easy at a long distance to imagine things about the person on the other end of messenger that are simply not true. We tend to build up a person in our minds to be a certain way (whether virtuous or otherwise); I would argue this is the source of the old adage “distance makes the heart grow fonder.”
When I focused too much on discernment, possibilities, and “potential-future-husband Joe” I could not see Joe for who he truly is. While I had my eyes on the future, I forgot about the present and my imaginary version got in the way of the real version. My heart grew fonder of a daydream.
There may be other remedies but this is where, for me, intentional communication and frequent short phone calls became important. No matter how built up my daydream becomes, hearing Joe’s voice melts away my phony vision and I remember the real person 1700 miles away from me. Praying for him daily also helps immensely; Christ knows him better than I ever will.
And ultimately, asking God’s will to be done and having patience. Or begging for it.
There is a time for everything
Obviously there is not a one-size-fits-all model for dating. We all "do it wrong" at some point. But don't let fear of the future get the better of you while you're muddling through the initial stages. Pursue virtue and trust the Lord.
Joe and I are not at "stage three" yet, and I've gotten to the point where I'm okay with that. Quite frankly, long distance moves slower than your typical relationship. Some days I love it, some days I hate it. But this person that I get to know and love (even at a distance!) has his own unique struggles, interests, habits, friends, traditions, feelings, opinions, and preferences that I am learning. We are growing together.
And as Scripture reminds us, “There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under the heavens.”
When we make it to the discernment part it will be because the Holy Spirit has led us there not because we have decided that it is the proper time. Pray for us! And ultimately, His will be done.
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