Navigating the Holidays as a Single Person

Are you dreading this Christmas season?

It is human nature to look at things in terms of what we’re lacking—this extends far beyond material possessions, including (but not limited to) personality characteristics, natural abilities, family dynamics, and most definitely, relationships.

While the societal norm is to look forward to the holidays, as a single person, holidays can very much serve as yet another harsh experience of this lack, as it may seem that everyone else seems to have plans with their significant other or growing family. In other words, the holidays tend to make the struggles of a single person especially obvious, making this season all the more painful. 

This pain can be made especially prominent if you’re in a season of suffering—perhaps you just went through a break-up, have suffered a loss, unwelcomed change of job, or perhaps being well into a pandemic is taking its toll on you. Even as a person who is in a good place with their single-status, any of the above struggles can simply compound upon one another, making the holidays overall difficult and something to simply get through vs. enjoy. 

As a therapist, I have both my own personal experiences and those of my clients to draw from.

Something I frequently remind those I work with is that shaming and judgmentally critiquing ourselves or our situations never helps to change them. This critical inner dialogue can be so automatic we don’t even notice it, but if we take the time to tune it, we may see how detrimental it actually is. Telling ourselves that we’re a failure, or that ‘of course’ we’re single, or that it will always be this way, are thoughts that don’t serve us, but rather send us in a downward spiral leading nowhere.

Shaming ourselves for wanting a significant other can also be harmful—while our faith orients us towards God and the idea that only in Him can we find true rest, that truth isn’t mutually exclusive from our draw towards union with another in a relationship. Paradoxically, God does suffice and we can still long for another.

In other words, it’s okay that being single is hard, even as a person of faith. Give yourself a lot of grace as you navigate the holidays as a single person. While the extremes of shaming or pitying ourselves don’t help us, naming reality does. I’m really grateful for what I do have, but being single right now is difficult, and it’s not a place I want to stay forever. 

Resist the temptation to compare.

Practically speaking, a common thread that seems to run through the stories of multiple singles I work with is comparison, manifesting itself especially through social media. While I’m not here to take a formal stand for or against social media, I have found that, in this specific context, it is almost never helpful. Comparison is the Devil’s tool, serving no purpose other than to make us feel inadequate.

While the world prompts us to have picture-perfect Instagram posts with our significant other in front of the Christmas tree, a realistic view would prompt us to pause and wonder when that became the standard or measure of success. Seeing snapshots into the best moments of others’ lives doesn’t help us when we’re overwhelmed with the most difficult moments of our own.

For that very reason, I’ve encouraged multiple clients to disconnect from their social media accounts over the holiday season. While it’s difficult to feel out of the loop, not seeing the best of everyone else can be very helpful as we seek to make peace with where we find ourselves on the journey, guarding us against the temptation to unconsciously give in to those critical thoughts. 

Lastly, it always helps to put things into perspective.

I do want to validate again, that being single when you’re ready to be in a committed relationship is hard. It is extremely difficult to be in a transient state when what you most desire is to be in a permanent one. However, I promise you, that even if it doesn’t seem like it now, and even if the future looks bleaker than it ever has before, this is not permanent. You will not be in this place forever.

As humans, we are always moving. Our lives are always changing. Think back to just a few years ago and what your life looked like then vs. now. While the sense of ‘lacking’ may be very strong as a single person during this time of year, it is precisely in our poverty, where we lack, that God can fill us most. I can’t help but think of Mary and Joseph on Christmas Eve, giving birth in what might even be considered inhumane conditions. How easy it would have been to look at what they were lacking, and yet the greatness that was brought forth.

Trust that God sees your need, the holidays are passing, and rather than focusing on your lack of a relationship, offer that poverty to God, know it will be temporary, and wait with hopeful expectancy at what good may be brought forth from this season.