Should Divorced Catholics Be Dating?
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The great debate: Should divorced Catholics be dating? So many people have different opinions about what the answer to this question is but in truth, there is only one correct answer... it depends.
I am not trying to be sarcastic with this answer. This is a sensitive issue and a very important one, especially if you are divorced or have a friend or loved one who is divorced and you are trying to offer support. But, I do want to offer some food for thought. Everyone expects you to move on from your divorce, but is moving past the pain really all about finding someone new? Is it true a new relationship will be the healing balm for your broken spirit?
I've walked this line before, myself. During my post-divorce years, I remember driving home from work dreading the thought of walking into a cold, dark apartment with no one to greet me, no one to hug me and ask how my day was. It was almost unbearable. There was no one to cook for, and I often didn’t eat dinner because, well, what would be the point? I felt I had nothing to look forward to and was terribly lonely and depressed. But, truth be told, I knew my heart wasn't ready to be given away, either. I still had a lot of healing ahead of me but it was difficult to reconcile that understanding with all the well-meaning, but misguided “help” of friends and co-workers who were trying to get me to dive back into the dating pool before I was ready to swim. So I was entrenched in confusion. Should I date or not?
Define Dating
The reason why my answer is "it depends" is because it depends on what kind of dating you mean. There are essentially two types of dating:
- Social Dating
Social dating usually takes place in groups but is not limited to them. It can also be one-on-one in a friends-only manner. This kind of dating is an excellent way to foster social relationships which are an integral part of the healing process. Contrary to what many people think, the Church does not expect a divorced Catholic to live like a hermit after divorce. Social relationships are also an excellent way to discern your new path after divorce without pressure. Are you meant to be remarried? Is God calling you to some other way of life such as the religious life or living as a single who serves others in some way? These are all important questions that can begin to be answered through social dating.
- Romantic Dating
Romantic dating serves a distinct purpose, which is discerning whether or not the person you are dating is someone you want to marry. There's not a whole lot of description needed beyond that one point.
The problem is, most people who date after getting divorced are doing neither of these types of dating. "Dating" to them, means essentially doing something fun like dinner or a movie before sleeping together. I know not all divorced people do this, but its shocking how many people do. So, when I say "it depends" I mean it really depends on what your literal intention is in "dating." If it's social dating, of course you can and should. If it's romantic dating, make sure you are truly free to do this by having a decree of nullity that states you are free to marry, and also make sure your heart is truly ready to be given away. But, if dating means just doing something as a precursor to sex, that should set off your internal alarms. Danger, Will Robinson!
Another Divorce?
Everyone complains that the divorce rate is high, and it is. But the rate normally reported pertains to first-time marriages. Few people pay attention to the divorce rate for second marriages, which hovers around 60%. These are not good odds, friends, but it boggles my mind that no one seems to address the "why" of that problem. Why are so many second marriages doomed? I believe the primary cause of this problem is because people go through a divorce and then just jump right back into the dating scene without being properly healed or prepared.
So, if you are divorced and trying to discern the right path for you, I encourage you to stick to social dating until you are ready to move to the next level. If you are truly free to date and marry, romantic dating is the way to go! But if dating in your book means doing something fun as a precursor to sex and doing this as a means to alleviate the pain of your divorce, I urge you to stop and reconsider your options. Going from sexual relationship to sexual relationship has never healed anyone of a broken heart. Quite the opposite, in fact.
My new book, The Catholic Guide To Dating After Divorce, which will be released in Spring 2015 by Ave Maria Press discusses this issue in depth. I hope you will visit my website LisaDuffy.Com and take a look.
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