How You Can Be an Amazing Spouse

The new year brings new resolutions and hope for a better year. Unfortunately many of us have unrealistic expectations and break our resolutions within the first few weeks of the new year. If you fall into this camp, don't lose hope!

I have a simple idea for a resolution that can strengthen your marriage, or if you aren't married, it can help you to become an amazing spouse some day.

So, here it is: Make a resolution this year to be kind.

I know what you are thinking: Wait, that is it? Yes, and because that statement sounds cliché, it is easy to undervalue it's potential to create lasting satisfying marriages. Let me explain.

Psychologist researchers John and Julie Gottman would agree with my suggestion. After six years of studying couples by testing their heart rates, blood flow, and sweat, the Gottmans, were able to distinguish between two groups of marriages: masters or disasters.

Through these observations, the Gottmans were able to conclude that the disasters show signs of heightened arousal—meaning the "fight or flight" response. These spouses were more likely to be defensive and aggressive towards their spouses, even while talking about daily mundane things. Because of greater trust and intimacy, the masters showed more warmth and affection toward their spouse, even during fights.

One key point in distinguishing the type of marriage was how spouses responded to their beloved's "bid for connection," or rather, search for kindness. For example, a husband may come home from work and want to talk about his day. In this conversation, the husband is looking for his wife's emotional support, for her to turn "towards his bid for connection." His wife could do this by showing empathy in conversation and affection. Or his wife could turn down the bid for connection by just mumbling, "Huh-hmm," and not making direct eye contact. While the wife may have no personal interest in her husband's work day, what is important is that she makes an attempt to connect to him since he's shown the topic is important to him.

These connections, even over minute daily conversations, made all the difference in being able to predict divorce for the couple. Couples who stayed together, "turned-toward" bids for connection 87% of the time. Those who divorced only turned-toward each other's bids a mere 33% of the time. Whether the couple was able to meet each other's emotional needs or not through these bids is what allowed the Gottmans to predict divorce with 94% certainty!

Masters of marriage practiced daily kindness by constantly looking for opportunities to show their appreciation for each other, where as disasters constantly evaluated their spouse for deficiencies. As I've mentioned in another article, those couples who were viewing things through a negative lens will often miss 50% of the positive things their spouses are doing, and worse yet, they'll see negativity where there is none. Masters don't view kindness as an all or nothing attribute; rather, they see it as a muscle that needs exercise to grow stronger.

Showing your spouse kindness is no difficulty throughout your courtship and honeymoon phase when things are going well. But what about when either or both of you are sick, stressed, and chronically burdened in other areas of your life? What place does kindness have then? The Gottmans say their research shows that during conflict is the most important time to show kindness, which dictates how we express our anger to our spouse.

The first step we can make towards kindness is to re-frame the situation through a positive lens. Instead of assuming your husband is home late for dinner again, because he just doesn't care about quality time with the family, instead try to empathize with the pressure he feels at work to accomplish his goals for that week. Instead of blaming him or jumping to conclusions about his actions, express to him your needs while still showing appreciation for his sacrifice.

The next change we must make to put ourselves back on the road to kindness is to share joy! Researcher Shelly Gable found that spouses can be divided into four categories when it comes to responding to positive events in each other's lives: passive destructive, active destructive, passive constructive, active constructive. The passive destructive response would include ignoring, whether through refraining from verbal acknowledgement or changing the topic completely. The passive constructive would at least acknowledge the positive event, but would still remained engaged in his/her own activities. The active destructive would be quick to criticize or point out the negative in the situation. The active constructive would stop what they are doing to be fully present to their spouse to fully share in their positive news. Active constructive is the only kind response that builds joy, greater intimacy, and allows the couple to bond. By changing our responses, we can continue to show our spouse love and appreciation through this simple gift of kindness.

Remember that if you want to create lasting intimate joyful relationships, start with the simple (and free) gift of kindness. Be generous with it in 2015.