Don't Let Your Kids Fly Solo Into The Dating World

All three of our children are married to wonderful spouses. Even though the outcome for each was the same (marriage), the paths traveled to the altar varied by quite a bit.

Our oldest dated many women before finding “the one.” Our daughter only really dated one man and that one became our son-in-law. Our youngest son also dated only one woman seriously. However, it took him a very long time to convince her that he was the right one. Or was it the other way around; did it take her a long time to convince him she was the right one? Bottom line—they courted for a very long time.

The point of sharing this personal information with everyone is to make the point that even though our children all took control of who they were going to marry and how their love story unfolded, my husband and I were always close by. We were there when they had questions or needed to vent. And, more importantly, we were there to ask our questions when we saw behaviors that raised red flags.

During our children’s teen and young adult years, my husband and I were in agreement that we needed to teach them how to navigate life outside our home. This stretch of time was our final chance to pass on a legacy of virtuous living before they left the nest. We were intentional about parenting and wanted to make sure that our kids knew we would always be there for them. They would never have to “fly solo.”

What does flying solo mean in the air?

Let’s talk about what ‘flying solo’ really means. In the world of aviation, a pilot has to make several solo flights (no one in the plane but the pilot) before becoming certified. While this means he is physically alone, the pilot never considers himself to be without guidance. The pilot has been trained to ‘fly solo’ using prior knowledge, ground support and his instrumentation. He knows that he has to file a flight plan and follow it.

Once, he is in the air, he knows that he has the ability to look at what the gauges say, contact the control tower, and recall previous flights to guide him safely through his journey. He understands that if he uses his resources well, he will make a safe flight, gain confidence in his abilities and eventually become a certified pilot.

In this scenario, we took the role of ground support for our young adults. We became the control tower that knew our pilot’s flight plan and maintained ready contact status. Further, we made sure that the instrumentation our pilot was going to use was fully operational. In this case, the instruments that we had to check included the firmness of their virtues and their knowledge of our expectations. We had to be convinced that our pilot could read and follow those gauges before a solo flight.

What does flying solo mean in dating?

Supporting a young adult who is waiting for their spouse is a very active process. It involves intentional engagement rather than a hand-off approach. Our engagement usually started with a “checking in” text, email or call to see if any flights might be happening. When they hinted at one, we began to ask questions about the flight plan. Who will you be with? What will you be doing? Where will you be going? If the answers that we received seemed sketchy, we would add one more question to the mix; why are you going?

Our children rarely considered our questions invasive because we always (and I mean always) asked them from a stance of interest; never as an investigation. They needed to be assured that we respected their decision making ability. And, they needed to be assured of our concern.

Our engagement included three more steps. We made sure they knew what we were doing so that they always knew we were available for contact. We wanted them to trust we would be there at any time of the day or not. We also worked hard to be approachable. The kids needed that assurance that we would listen and help out 24/7—especially if a flight had gone totally off course. Finally, we were present and objective during the review the final flight plan.

How many young adults do you know that could benefit from a good control tower and flight support? Do your best to assist them with these ideas.

Take an interest in their flight plans. Ask them about their relationships and how they interact with those they date.

1. Be available. What good is a control call that isn’t there to listen and respond?

2. Be approachable. Listen reflectively.

3. Review flight plans—especially the ones that went off course. Guide them to successful course corrections.

Young adults need to be assured that they are never truly alone during their quest for true love. They need a base of support, especially when flight cancellations, delays and emergency landings happen.