What to Do About Debt in Relationships

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Debt. It looms over us all at some point in our lives.

It might be incurred for a good reason that has a long-term payoff—student loans or a mortgage being prime examples. It might be taken on as a necessary evil, like a car payment. Or it might just be due to some indulgence which (hopefully) is a thing of the past. For a couple discerning the possibilities of marriage, how do you deal with it?

I believe it starts with recognizing that debt is a symptom of something else—something along the lines of the examples mentioned above, and it’s not necessarily something bad. For example…

  • A six-figure debt incurred by going to medical school is a “symptom” of the fact the person is intelligent, ambitious and willing to take short-term financial pain for longer-term gain.
  • On the other hand, several thousand dollars of consumer debt piled up on luxury purchases might well be an indicator that the person lacks self-control. Or at least the ability to realistically identify what they can afford.
  • A debt that was taken as as a result, or byproduct of a messy divorce/annulment situation is a symptom of whatever baggage the person will bring from that failed relationship.

None of these—including the less-than-attractive second example—have to be automatic dealbreakers.

But like a trip to the doctor’s office, they serve as a diagnosis for how to move forward.

The person in debt from medical school might need encouragement from their prospective spouse to see beyond the day-to-day and to be reminded that the debt is simply an investment in the future. The person who ran up their credit card bills surely needs guidance in laying down a budget and sticking with it. And the example from the failed marriage needs to be working through the underlying issues that drove them into the ditch.

There are a variety of opinions out there for whether people in these situations should be focusing on paying down the debt before entering into marriage, but one common principle that everyone agrees on is that there should be a clear plan in place to chip away at the debt, sustained by a lifestyle that will prevent a future recurrence.

Perhaps the touchier question is what—if any—impediment a debt should be to getting married. Seminaries require an entrant to be debt-free. You could argue that because a marriage is a vocation, just as the priesthood is, the same principles should apply. Or you could say (as I, and I think most people would) that the analogy doesn’t work because seminarians give up their financial earning power when they choose to follow the call of Christ into Holy Orders.

So let’s assume then, that entering into marriage with at least some debt is reasonable.

And let’s further assume the cause of the debt has been identified and there’s a good plan in place to move forward. Do you still wait until the debt is paid down? Or do you take the leap?

While Church teaching doesn’t directly address financial management within marriage, the Catechism does say that marriage is "the matrimonial covenant by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole life.” CCC 1601.

Marriage is about joining lives, with all the ups and downs that come with it. Even if a couple is debt-free today, the reality is that most (if not all) couples will experience some financial strain that will require them to make sacrifices together. If your prospective spouse can’t do it now, it’s not going to be any easier further down the line.

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