How To Stay Chaste Even If You've Had Sex

In a world... (no this is not a movie trailer) where everywhere you turn, there is some message whether deliberately in your face or something more subtle that is trying to steal your goodness away, it can be hard to remain faithful to what you know is right and true. Different people have different temptations and what may be easy to avoid for some can be a monumental obstacle to overcome for someone else. These days, it seems the virtue of chastity is most often under attack and because no one is perfect, we fall. Sexual intimacy outside of marriage is one of these temptations that can be very difficult for someone to overcome. But don't give up. There is great hope and a chance to really advance in your spiritual life if you keep working to strengthen yourself in this area. And remember, you are not alone. Many others have faced the same struggle.

Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde was born in 1854 and aside from his books and plays, he is likely most well known for leading a lavish and sexually active lifestyle. There are many recounts of his personal story, most of which gloss over one of the most important aspects... his conversion to Catholicism. "Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future" is a favorite Wilde quote of mine.

Augustine of Hippo, also a literary success in his young life, gave himself away to pagan immorality for endless years as I'm sure it must have seemed to his mother, St. Monica, who incessantly prayed and sacrificed for her son's conversion. Albeit slow, gradual, and fraught with setbacks and crisis, Augustine was finally baptized a Catholic at Easter time, 387. He is now, of course, St. Augustine and a doctor of the Church.

So, if you are someone who finds it difficult to maintain a chaste lifestyle, but still want to make celibacy your standard, I offer you these examples of Oscar Wilde and Augustine of Hippo to give you hope in your efforts. As long as you are alive and willing to try, God provides you with the graces you need to succeed.

But maybe, that is knowledge your head knows and understands, but in a moment of temptation, your heart cannot grasp it. Fair enough. We all want and need to be loved and in the heat of the moment, it isn't easy to overcome the temptations of the flesh when all you are relying on is the desire to do so and possibly the fear of repercussions.

If you want to renew your commitment to chastity after you've made a mistake (or better yet, before you get sucked into the mistake), you must have a strategy. I'd like to offer you some practical steps you can take that will help you build your strategy.

1.      Surround Yourself with Like-Minded People

Everyone needs a support system in their endeavors. When you pursue a college degree, you are surrounded by other students pursuing their own educational goals. Business owners and entrepreneurs network with like-minded people to move themselves ahead in their industry. So, it makes sense that in trying to attain your spiritual goals, the answer is no different. You need to have friends who understand and agree with your desire to remain chaste. It’s practically impossible for the seeds of virtue to grow in your heart when you are being choked by thorns (Matthew 13:8). This is why it is critical for you to surround yourself with people who are sympathetic to your cause. Otherwise, you will maintain a serious handicap in your endeavor to save sex for marriage.

2.     Learn How to Give Non-Sexual Affection

It is true, love needs to be more than just interior knowledge, it must be demonstrated. So the question is, how can you date or be in a committed relationship and still live the virtue of chastity in thought, word, and deed? The answer lies in discovering how to show affection.

Being affectionate is an act of devotion or endearment; something you do to show love but does not provoke sexual desire. It is love given in it's truest form, in the service of another person. When you show this kind of love, you reveal to others that you make it a habit to put others first. You can become the shining example of real love that knocks people off their feet and makes them want to know you and be around you.

3.     Pray and Read

Of course, prayer is the key to overcoming any kind of temptation so even if you feel half-hearted in your desire to remain chaste as St. Augustine did for a long time, pray and ask God to increase your desire to remain chaste. And with that, I would like to recommend some important books to help you build your strategy:

• Lady in Waiting: Becoming God’s Best While Waiting for Mr. Right, Jackie Kendall/Debby Jones
• These Beautiful Bones, Emily Stimpson
• The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman

Each one of these books has something excellent to offer you in forming your strategy to overcome temptation.

I enjoy receiving your emails at asklisa@catholicmatch.com and now you can submit your prayer intentions which I will pray for daily when you visit LisaDuffy.com.