Some days, I struggle to find a topic to write about. Other days, a topic practically jumps out at me and begs to be addressed. Yesterday was one of those days.
In the morning, I gave a talk to young mothers about teaching kids about chastity. During the question and answer session, one of the moms raised her hands and, almost begging, said "Please don't tell kids that they should live chastity because doing it will guarantee that God will send them someone wonderful to marry. They told us that when we were young, and it really messed a lot of people up."
I assured her that I have never done that, and that it is in fact one of my pet peeves, and then we moved on. On the way home, I was listening to a radio show about happiness. The topic was whether expectations make us more or less happy. The answer was "less."
When we have expectations (as opposed to hopes, or goals, or requests, or even demands), we set ourselves up to expect a certain result, no matter what. And when, for whatever reason, that doesn't happen, we are disappointed. We become bitter. And I started thinking about how that young mom's friends got "messed up."
And then I started thinking how I'd like to bring this topic up with all of you.
My experience with this goes back to a radio show I appeared on a long time ago. We had a caller, Roy from Boston, who was asking what one is supposed to do when one has been "doing things God's way," abstaining from sex, and yet one has reached his mid-30s, starting to lose his looks, and "God isn't holding up his end of the bargain."
And which bargain, exactly, would that be? Where on earth did this idea come from that we live chastity because of some kind of quid pro quo arrangement with God? Where in Scripture did he promise this? If it was going to be anywhere, I figure the Beatitudes would make the most sense. "Blessed are the chaste, for they shall have a spouse by their 35th birthday." Only it's not there.
Now, it is true that living chastity helps us to date in a healthier way. We avoid the premature bonding that comes through sexual activity. We date people, presumably, who share our values (because the others don't tend to hang around too long), and who are hence capable of respecting us, which is a good trait in a spouse.
And, most important, we live the way God wants us to live, which deepens our relationship with Him. All of that can help us to find a good spouse instead of settling for someone who doesn't respect us or doesn't share our values.
But it's not a guarantee.
The problem with seeing it as a guarantee is that, when things don't work out, when we don't find that elusive person who shares our values, we wind up like Roy from Boston—blaming God for not "holding up his end of the bargain." And that can lead to bitterness. Which leads us further away from the God who loves us. And that doesn't lead to happiness.
It all comes down to what your goal is. If your primary goal in life is marriage—just marriage—then frankly, chastity isn't the best way to go. Many people try to get married by sleeping with their boyfriend or girlfriend, moving in together, and then "sliding" into marriage somewhere down the line. I can't guarantee it'll be a happy marriage, and statistically you'll be more likely to divorce.
If, on the other hand, your ultimate goal isn't marriage but eternal life with God—well, then, you and He are on the same page. That is where His promises come in. He promises eternal life to those who follow Him. He makes no guarantees about what may or may not happen along the way.
Marriage—good marriage—is important, of course. It's how God brings new life into the world, and forms new human souls that He wants to spend eternity with. But marriage isn't the be-all and end-all of our lives on earth. Heaven is.
So please do live chastity. Respect yourself. Respect your dates. Respect the image and likeness of God within each of you. But don't do it because you think you've got some kind of deal with God that assures you a trip down the aisle.
Do it because it's the right thing to do. Do it because it's what the God who loves you calls you to. Do it because it teaches you how to really love, and that love is the prerequisite for eternal life.
Do it because it enhances your relationship with the one Person who matters even more than a spouse. Do it because, whether you marry or not, your real happiness will be found in Him.
