After my divorce and while I waited on my annulment, I realized how much I had changed as an individual.
While my “Patty-ness” was still the same, I had grown up emotionally and matured in ways I wish I had known before getting married.
One of the biggest lessons I learned was taking responsibility for myself.
I always considered myself a responsible person, and yet, I needed to take ownership of my own faults and what I did wrong in our marriage. I had to name the baggage and insecurities I had never named or worked through before in my life. I had to acknowledge how my father wounds and an aching desire to be loved impacted the spouse I chose. I had to work through my own issues in regards to my physical body and my sexuality as a woman.
I knew I wanted this new life to be better, that I wanted to do things differently.
I did not want to repeat the same mistakes again. As I continued my own healing journey and opened myself up more to dating, I began to think about how I would date differently this time around (and in a healthier, better way!).
For post-divorce Catholic daters, I think that there are a lot of things to keep in mind as you open yourself up to dating again. Here are five traits I have worked to implement and practice in my own life that have helped me make better choices.
Be Yourself.
It may sound a little basic, but this is one of the most important things to remember. Just be yourself! Be confident in the unique, amazing soul God created you to be. Do not hide the authentic sparks of your personality. Ideally, when you are in a serious relationship, you want to feel most free and content to be yourself; because the “real” you is who your life partner will love.
At different points in my life, I have hidden my true self from others. I looked for other people around me to make me feel more love towards myself. I looked at lots of other women, wishing I could be more like them.
Coming to love me for me has been one of the most healing journeys I have ever embarked on, and I am so grateful that has changed me for the better. When you start to date again, be yourself. Love yourself. The right man or woman will see you for you.
Be Forgiving.
Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do and yet, it is one of the most important. Forgiveness is not a one-time action or decision; rather it is a choice, and often a long process to do the hard work of forgiving the wrongs of those who hurt us.
Are there people in your life to whom you are holding grudges against? Do you need to forgive your former spouse? Do you need to forgive yourself?
Wherever you are on your personal forgiveness journey, ask Jesus to show you and give you the desire to forgive people or situations you may still struggle with from time to time. Start with asking for the desire, and Jesus will meet you in that space and grow your capacity to forgive.
Be Magnanimous.
I just love this word, isn’t it fun to say? Whenever I hear the word magnanimous, it just makes me smile and feel happy. Having gone through the pain of a divorce, you probably have felt like life knocked you down or left you beat up. However, despite your divorce, you and I were created with a distinct purpose in life. We are created for greatness beyond what we can imagine and we do not have to allow the hard, negative details to get in the way of what God has dreamed for us.
Maybe you have felt knocked down hard. Perhaps the situation of your divorce has left you feeling resentful, bitter, or even a little scared to trust again. However, the reality is that you still have to get up. You still have a purpose to fulfill. You can thrive in life without just surviving.
God sees you as his beloved son or daughter, hold fast to that truth. He has not abandoned you and he never will. Lean into and trust the knowledge that you have a mission and purpose.
Be Honest.
When I started to date, one of the most important traits I was looking for in a man was honesty and trustworthiness. Having experienced a lot of dishonesty in my first marriage, I knew I would never allow myself to walk through that again.
As you begin to date again, be honest in two particular ways: with yourself and with the other person.
Are you ready to date again? Have you worked through the issues and pain from your first marriage? Are you dating to feel less lonely? Have you done your own healing work in a significant way? Are you hiding from yourself in any ways that could be problematic as you begin to date?
We also know that honesty is an important foundation in building healthy relationships. Are you bringing your full, real self to the other person? Are you withholding parts of yourself as the relationship deepens?
If you answer no to any of these questions, consider and think about what needs to change to make that situation better, and more importantly, more honest.
Be Hopeful.
Hope is one of the theological virtues. The opposite of hope is despair or hopelessness. I think sometimes the opposite of hope can be felt when it feels like dating is a continual brick wall, which feels both lonely and frustrating. I do not know why some people have an easier time finding a serious relationship or getting married.
Wherever your heart or online dating profile is, take courage and have hope! Trust in the slow work of God. We do not have the divine perspective God has. Something is happening behind the scenes even if we feel or see no forward movement or action.
If you are struggling in this area, ask Jesus to infuse your heart with a deeper, firmer hope. He wants us to experience the fullness of the virtues, and asking for more is always a good prayer that He will honor.
Friend, you have done hard things before.
You can do them again now. Let the hurt and pain you have navigated before bring out the best parts of you into all aspects of your life: authenticity, forgiveness, magnanimity, honesty, and hope. I am believing for you that you will be blown away by what you see.
