Will Divorce Ruin Your Holidays?

One of the hardest things about being newly divorced during the holidays is adjusting to your new normal. If you are someone who is coming out of an abusive marriage you might welcome the holidays with a sense of gratitude because you don't have to deal with the suffering you endured or put a smile on your face and pretend everything is all right. But if you didn't want your divorce, the holiday season can be a major cross to bear. At a time when people are happy and celebrating, you might feel like standing in the middle of the party crowd and screaming at the top of your lungs. Don't worry, that's quite normal.

You may wonder how you will ever make it through the next month without losing your sanity or making a scene. I've been through this before—actually seven years of holidays being divorced, so I'd like to share a few suggestions with you that helped me get through the holidays during that time.

1.     Balance your time between being social and being alone.

Being at office parties or family celebrations often place pressure on you to be happy when you're not. People don't like to see you suffer and they may do or say things they think will "snap you out of it." These scenarios can make you feel like grabbing your coat and high-tailing out of there, but going back to the safety of your empty home or apartment can also be dangerous if you're battling depression.

It's important to remember you need social time and the support of your family and friends as well as time to be alone. To find that balance, try going to a social event for a limited time instead of the whole thing. If you find that it's just too painful to go to a celebration, try getting out by yourself to a place where people are. You don't have to interact with anyone, but just being around others is a good thing.

2.    Seek out others who are suffering.

Many people go serve at a homeless shelter during the holidays, which is a great thing to do. But are there people right around you whom you know are suffering as well? If so, what a great gift you can offer through visiting with them and listening to them. It is a great way to distract yourself from your own troubles and strengthen the bond you share. It is also considered one of the Spiritual Works of Mercy, to comfort the afflicted.

3.    Turn the negative around and find the positive.

I knew a woman, Jodi, who was divorced after 13 years of marriage. Her four children were scheduled to spend that first Christmas with their dad and his new spouse in a completely different area. It crushed her, but she was determined not become beaten down by this. So on the last day of school before Christmas break, Jodi sent her kids to school and then got to work on an amazing surprise. Her parents came over and together they cooked their traditional Christmas meal and set out all the children’s gifts. An hour later, Jodi took her kids out of school and brought them home where they were met with the most wonderful display of love anyone could ever hope for. All their gifts, all their favorite treats, and most of all, the love and joy of their mother and grandparents. They ate together, opened presents together, prayed together, and then it was time to leave with their father. If you ask Jodi, she will tell you that experience was what enabled her to get through Christmas and experience the joy of Christ’s birth. If you ask her children, to this very day they say it was their best Christmas ever.

I know it is hard to push yourself out of your comfort zone when all you want to do is lie on the floor and cry. But now that you're divorced you're going to be faced with situations daily that are hard. You can fall apart, or you can make the decision to try. Sometimes you will fall apart and that's okay, as long as sometimes you try.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you, and you will not always feel this bad. I will be praying hard for you during this time and if you have any questions or comments you'd like to share, feel free to send them to asklisa@catholicmatch.com.