Winter always seems just a little more tolerable once the new Downton Abbey season starts.
I was going to put a “spoiler alert” in the first paragraph here. But then I realized it probably won’t be spoiling too much to spill the beans that yes, the times they are a-changin’ in the world of Downton, as the Edwardian era gives way to the Roaring '20s. And the residents, both upstairs and downstairs, are questioning the mores of the times as they push the boundaries of what “respectable society” will tolerate.
But if you don’t want to know any more because you haven’t seen it, run to pbs.org, watch the latest episode and then come back. We’ll wait . . .
Okay, now that we’re all on the same page. About that Mary ... in the first episode of the season, she was complaining to Anna that she didn’t understand why a couple can’t try each other out sexually, to make sure that everything is “all right in that department” before marrying. And sure enough, soon after that, she agreed to go away on a clandestine trip with her intended, Tony Gillingham, to do just that.
And I was thinking ‘No, Mary! Don’t do it!”
Why not? Doesn't it make sense that a couple should take a “test drive” to make sure they are sexually compatible before signing on the dotted line? You wouldn’t commit to buying a car without driving it first, so why commit to a lifetime of sexual monogamy without testing it out?
Because a person is not a car.
I think the whole idea of “sexual compatibility” is a little silly. It implies that a couple can be in love, can have aligned values and goals, can ardently desire to spend the rest of their lives together and to be united physically, and yet have some kind of hard-wired incompatibility in their respective lovemaking techniques that will render them sexually unsatisfied for the rest of their lives.
Really?
Here’s the thing about a car. It doesn’t love you. It isn’t willing to change for you. It won’t grow with you or respond to your needs or desires. It will get older. It will never get better. It is what it is.
The Church teaches that sex speaks a language, that in giving their bodies to each other a couple is in a very real way giving themselves to each other. And so the sexual “department” of a relationship isn’t isolated from everything else. It flows directly from it. It is the physical manifestation of their love, their commitment, their dedication to each other.
And, as a couple gives themselves to each other over the years, they learn about each other. They become attuned to each other. They adjust to each others desires and preferences.
And Mary thinks she can predict how all that is going to unfold over a lifetime, all based on a stolen week in a dumpy hotel in Liverpool?
Does she think that the best example of the “quality” of their self-donation will occur when she isn’t even certain that she loves him? When they are not in fact donating themselves to each other at all, but are instead merely auditioning or testing each other’s technique to see if their “score” (pardon the pun) is high enough to warrant signing on for more?
Add to that the fact that Mary will undoubtedly be comparing Lord Gillingham to the memory of her deceased husband, the dreamboat Matthew Crawley—with whom she was deliriously happy—and it seems increasingly likely that Tony is going to fall short. It’s all just expecting too much, too soon.
Ask any truly loving married couple, and they will tell you that their “sex life” gets better as their love deepens over the years. Many would probably say that if their “first time” was used as the sole criterion for whether they should marry or not, they would not be together today.
It will be interesting to see how Julian Fellowes, the Catholic creator of Downton Abbey, handles the fallout from Mary and Tony’s secret rendezvous. Personally, I don’t think it’s going to go any better for them than it would go for any couple foolish enough to think that they can “test” the quality of their future marital sex life.
And, given Mary’s luck with men, it will probably go worse. Much, much worse.
Have you been watching this season?
