The Secret Sin

Andy is a young, committed Catholic, a graduate of a strong Catholic university where he met his future wife.

They courted, married, and within two years had a baby on the way.

Despite his youth, Andy landed a mid-level management position with a

highly reputable marketing firm. He felt he was in a bit over his head,

but was grateful for the opportunity, because the pressures of

supporting his family were already weighing on him. The job was

demanding, and the hours long. One evening while working late and

playing a video game on a short break, Andy stumbled onto a porn

website, not realizing the gaming site had been a gateway to sexually

explicit websites. Within a matter of weeks, Andy was making daily

visits to chat rooms and porn web sites, mainly to relieve the stress

and anxiety of work.

He knew it was wrong and every day he resolved not to do it, but the

temptation was so strong, especially now that his wife seemed totally

wrapped up in the new baby, and had little energy to meet his emotional

needs.

What Andy didn’t realize was the

highly addictive nature of his porn activity. Even at this entry-level

porn use, he was already caught in the web of a chemical-like

dependency called the “crack cocaine of sexual addiction.”

Pornography

or cybersex addiction can progress much more rapidly than any other

chemical or behavioral addiction--the individual can become addicted in

only a matter of weeks or months. The internet has an extraordinary

capacity to introduce a trance-like state. Hours may pass while the

individual is completely preoccupied with chatting online or gazing at

pornographic images on the computer screen. This trance-like state is

the first key element in the addiction cycle, which intensifies with

each repetition. Another key element is the immediate gratification or

pleasure that results from the sexual behaviors often associated with

the viewing of pornographic materials (usually masturbation).

But,

though there are moments of intense pleasure (releasing soothing and

pleasurable hormones that are natural opioids), this self-gratification

is compulsive, associated with severe mood shifts and is often

accompanied by a feeling of powerlessness to change, self-pity,

degradation, and shame. The sense of isolation and hopelessness can be

so severe that there is only one thing that can help the user feel better….and the cycle begins again.

Secrets, Lies, and Betrayal

Relations

with his wife diminished as Andy’s addiction grew stronger. His wife

really couldn’t compete with the intriguing models (and the

increasingly deviant sexual images) he found on the internet. He began

making demands on her sexually that she was not willing to make, which

then gave him further justification in seeking solace in the computer

images. Andy’s increasing disappointment with interpersonal relations

became yet another reason to view more porn and to talk with anonymous

women online. “I do it to help my marriage,” he said.

Andy

told himself that the women in the chat rooms liked him for who he was,

without any strings attached--unlike his wife who always seemed to be

making demands on him. Andy would come home from a difficult day at

work only to be accosted by his annoyed wife, who would thrust a cranky

baby into his arms. He could barely stand to come home to the smell of

diapers, the disappointment of his wife, and the baby’s noisy

squalling. Andy couldn’t wait until he could be alone with the computer

to finally relax in an erotic haze. He became more and more isolated.

He began losing sleep as well. He was getting up in the middle of the

night to view pornography online, and this took a toll on his ability

to perform at work. Andy was soon living a double life: attending Mass

with his family, appearing to be a good Catholic husband and father,

while spending hours on the internet cruising porn sites or in chat

rooms.

Most porn addicts are trying to recreate the intoxication of young love.[4]

They feel they live in an unfair world in which bosses demand too much,

wives complain and nag, and children are ungrateful. The porn addict

tells himself that he deserves a break. The only relief he gets is from

the addiction itself—which then leaves him feeling guilty and filled

with self-loathing. These uncomfortable feelings can only be

“drowned”—not in a drink, but in the erotic haze that is said to be 30

times more powerful than cocaine.

Addictive

sexual behavior is unlike healthy sexual behavior in that it is a

compulsion for instant gratification, it is associated with severe mood

shifts (from the erotic haze to depression), is impersonal and

emotionally detached, is not fulfilling (the addict always needs more,

without feeling fulfilled), and is accompanied by negative self-worth,

shame and guilt.

In

the past, only those who chose to sneak into an adult bookstore or X

rated movie theater were able to access pornography. The risk and

ordeal of purchasing pornography kept many away. The internet changed

all that. In fact, pornography was one of the original financial

backers that transformed an obscure research project into the

information highway.

For

the porn industry, it became the perfect drug delivery

system--available 24/7 to millions of internet users right in their own

home, many of whom are children. This is called the “Triple-A engine”

of affordability, anonymity, and accessibility

driving the 57 billion dollar porn industry. Today, 4.2 million

pornographic websites are just a mouse click away. 89% of teens in chat

rooms have received unwanted solicitations of sex, and 90% of 8-16 year

olds have viewed pornography online (most while doing homework).

The Anatomy of Addiction

Patrick

Carnes, Ph.D., pioneer in the field of sexual addiction, maintains that

all sexual addicts have certain faulty, core beliefs that make them

vulnerable to addiction. They experience a fundamental lack of

self-worth and a mistrust of others that come from early childhood

experiences (whether through some traumatic incident or through

impaired early attachment experiences) and are reinforced by our

culture. The four dysfunctional core beliefs are:

1.      I am a bad, unworthy person

2.      Nobody would love me if they really knew me

3.      My needs are never going to be met, if I have to depend on others

4.      Sex is my most important need

Viewing

pornography is accompanied by self-gratification and triggers arousal,

satiation and an increase in fantasy, which induce powerful

neurochemical responses in the brain similar to those induced by

addictive drugs and alcohol. When these neurochemical changes happen

repeatedly, the responses to sexual behaviors become habituated, and

these behaviors are now “hard-wired” in the brain.[9]

Yet

this cycle repeats itself, often escalating as the user compulsively

seeks increasingly deviant websites, or even tries to live out some of

his sexual fantasies. The user may try to stop, but discovers that he

experiences anxiety, restlessness, and unease (symptoms of withdrawal).

Often the secret sin is never disclosed--until a loved one stumbles

upon his addiction, or until he loses a job, or gets caught engaging in

an illegal sexual act.

Once discovered, it

is difficult, but not impossible, to treat. The treatment requires an

integrated model of individual therapy, a self-help twelve-step group

such as Sexaholics Anonymous, and a strong spiritual program with

frequent reception of the sacraments. Our Catholic faith can combat the

faulty core beliefs of the addict, but often therapy is needed to face

the issues of the past that gave rise to the feelings of worthlessness,

fear, and mistrust. Oftentimes, there is a childhood trauma or abuse

that needs to be addressed.

There is a growing

movement to address the problem of pornography and to offer hope to

those afflicted. In his pastoral letter, “Bought with a Price,”

Bishop Paul S. Loverde outlines the nature of the offense and counters

many of the false arguments that attempt to justify pornography. Just

last week, the second largest Canadian wireless phone company pulled

their plans to sell pornography on mobile phones, after the Archbishop

of Vancouver, Raymond Roussin, urged Canadian Catholics to boycott.

If anyone is suffering from pornography addiction, a first step is to take a look at the website www.integrityrestored.com

which was developed by Catholic mental health professionals and

especially designed to help Catholics (and their families) who are

afflicted by the scourge of pornography.