On my 30th birthday back in 1993, I stopped to reflect on the events of the previous years as I normally do, but on this birthday, things were different. My husband had left me three months before and I was now on my way to being divorced, even though I didn't want that. One of the reasons why he left me was because I was "too Catholic" and this struck at the heart of my pain because I had always dreamed of having a happy marriage that was very Catholic. Compound this pain with the fact I had conceived three children by that time and lost them all in miscarriage. I had invasive surgery to correct the problem, which it did, but left me sterile. I had a less than 1% chance of ever conceiving again. So, as I turned 30 years old (which can seem like a big dead end when you're in your 20s), I found my self divorced, childless without the hope of having children, and Catholic which seemed to be another dead end because I knew nothing about the annulment process. I felt I had nothing in life to look forward to and I was a very angry young woman.
Going forward, I would make plenty of mistakes. I would cry until there were no tears left to cry, and spend dark nights praying and asking God, Why? I couldn't see any answers at that time. All I could do was pick up what was left of my life and move forward, and this was perhaps the most difficult aspect of my divorce. Moving forward. So, I looked for life preservers... little things that would keep me afloat. Anything that would keep my hope for the future and my faith in God alive. One of those life preservers was my firm belief that, despite what had happened to me, true love still existed. After everything, I still believed it was possible to find a man with whom I could have a happy and lasting relationship. I believed it because I saw other couples who had it; my parents, my siblings and their spouses, people at church, some close friends. I chose to believe it was possible and I never let go of that hope.
Each time a friend or relative got married, I dreaded the idea of attending the wedding, but as the day of the event arrived, I made myself choose to look at it as another encouraging road sign on my path... Keep going! It does exist! You will find it! Instead of reminding myself of what I didn't have anymore, I just decided I would be joyful for the couple. Sometimes I felt foolish about keeping this perspective but I refused to let go of it. True and lasting love had to be out there.
As I went through the annulment process, I came to understand this hope I was holding on to was a gift from God. He was showing me how much he loved me, despite what had happened. I felt broken and damaged, but to Him I was beautiful. My divorce didn't define me, it was just something that happened to me. God was showing me what this true love I was looking for looked like and it was his grace that was carrying me forward.
At the same time I was walking that path of suffering, a close relative of mine, Agnes, was going through her own very difficult situation. She was also unable to conceive a child, but for different reasons, and was suffering quite seriously, herself. She and her husband chose to adopt a child and this was no easy task. The vetting process was arduous, the emotional aspect was a struggle, and the wait was long and uncertain. But shortly before my wedding, the baby was born and Agnes and her husband were blessed to experience the joy of having their own child.
In time, I met a wonderful man who showed me that same true love I had found in God and we got married on June 17, 2000. For obvious reasons, I will always cherish that day, but there is another reason why it's important to me. In the moments before my wedding began, Agnes came into the bride's room holding her sweet baby boy. She told me how difficult that journey had been for her and how during that time she would think of me and how I never gave up hope. It helped her push forward and stay vigilant as well.
I don't share that with you because I'm patting myself on the back. I know without a doubt it wasn't my strength, but God's grace and love that kept me hopeful. I share it with you so you can hold on to that same hope, and know that with God's grace, you can be a good, encouraging example for someone else who is suffering. It's hard to be positive when divorce is so destructive, but don't give in to discouragement, know that God loves you with that true love you are seeking. Know that "divorce" does not sum you up. You are a precious, valuable human being with the capacity to love and be loved.
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