Should Wives Obey Their Husbands?

Did you know that if you placed two acoustic guitars side-by-side on guitar stands and strummed the strings of one guitar, the other guitar strings will resonate with the same frequency? The instruments come alive together harmoniously. I believe this is very much the way God designed marriage to be... for a man and woman who are equal in dignity yet different in their gifts and talents, to live together in this same sort of harmony. Each spouse brings different strengths and abilities to the marriage that complement the other's and create a harmonious relationship. So when the question of whether or not a wife should obey her husband is presented—as it is in three distinct places in sacred scripture (Colossians 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1, Ephesians 5: 22-23)—it naturally sparks some very strong responses from women and men alike.

It seems there are more women offended by the idea that they should "obey" their husbands than those who are not. Could this non serviam (I will not serve) attitude be the result of decades of feminism gone wild? Or is it really true that women should not be submissive, but be treated as equals to their husbands in all things? Perhaps it is the knee-jerk reaction that comes with the word "obey?" Women don't like the image that is conjured up by that term, as if to obey one's husband really means to be a "doormat" or "slave." But when you actually take these verses within the context of the entire reading, it's easy to see that this command to obey is given specifically to bring about harmony in a relationship.

For example, in 1 Peter 3, a woman who obeys her husband is described as someone who can change her husband's heart without saying anything at all, but does so through her inner beauty which he cannot resist. Anyone can apply makeup and wear nice clothes and jewelry, but a rare gift is the woman whose unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit can so intensely affect a man without her speaking even one word. And in Ephesians 5, St. Paul commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, which translates to a passionate, sacrificial love. What woman wouldn't want her husband to love her passionately and put her first before his own interests and desires? There is so much beauty to these teachings and so much potential for having an incredible marriage that it doesn't make much sense to be offended by the idea of showing reverence to husbands.

But Isn't Marriage A Team Effort?

Most people I know believe marriage is a team effort between two equals and that husbands and wives work together in all aspects. This is totally compatible with wives who obey their husbands because there is a balance to be had in marriage; one that comes from each spouse desiring to please the other. If everything a wife does each day is targeted to please her husband and not serve herself, it has a mind-blowing effect in that it makes him want to please her even more. It is this kind of loving reciprocation that sustains a marriage, especially in difficult times, and makes it easy for a woman to obey her husband as she should.

There are other "hints" in the bible that suggest a husband is the head of the family and the wife his helper, according to Father Shannon M. Collins, CPM. He points out that in Genesis 2, we see that Adam was created first and was given dominion over the entire earth and all its inhabitants. It was only after Adam's experience of profound loneliness that Eve was created. Is this a slight to women? No, on the contrary, it is a great compliment. Adam could not experience completeness by himself, he needed Eve to make him whole and this indicates the critical role a woman plays in a man's life. But it also shows us the bigger picture of God's creation of man; He created the head of the family first and then his life companion second.

Another meaningful indication is found here in this story, and that is while God created Adam from dust, He created Eve from Adam's rib, a place very close to his heart which points to a woman being the heart of the family. This image indicates a sort of loving docility of the wife to the husband.

Overall, if you want to have a successful marriage, there are many attributes that need to be present: sacrificial love, total commitment, mutual trust to name a few. But both spouses should also be humble enough to be able to put the other first and not lord their own selfishness over the other. And in my humble opinion, humility is a very attractive quality to have.

I welcome your questions and comments at asklisa@catholicmatch.com.