As my husband, Alex, and I celebrate our ninth wedding anniversary, I'm reminded of our "one rule" to a successful marriage: Do what is most loving right now.
It sounds simple, yet those words have pierced our hearts with each trial that has tempted us to choose self-love over other-love. In the weeks when I've only had four hours of daily cumulative sleep, it is harder to make my husband a coffee first thing in the morning to show him I love him, especially when I'm abstaining from caffeine and dairy myself to breastfeed our baby. When the clock ticks 2 a.m., and my husband's eyes are blurred from staring at the computer screen resolving website problems for his clients from his second job, it feels impossible to wash the remaining dishes in the sink as promised, yet he'll push through the exhaustion to show me he loves me.
When you break down just about any disagreement, the resolution becomes quite clear, when you remember to do what is most loving. This one rule can mean anything from prioritizing your evenings by spending time together, accomplishing chores as promised or noticed, not overspending the budget, showing gratitude, and soothing a little one back to sleep from a nightmare. These are the choices we make instead for our own comfort.
There will be times in marriage when it feels like you're giving your all with very little to no return. Sometimes you have to give 110% when your spouse is working long hours, deployed, sick, recovering from surgery, depressed, or post-partum.
Other times that one rule means Christianly correction: pointing out (gently) problems or areas that need improvement to better your lives together. In those times you have to remember the love Christ showed you, and out of deference to Christ, continue to show love to your spouse. You're still called to follow that one rule: to do what is most loving, through sickness, and health, for richer or poorer, through good times AND bad.
As St. Therese reminds us, it's the little acts of love that make the greatest difference in our relationship with Christ and our spouse. Showing love doesn't mean following an exacting formula. If we're only able to spend 10 minutes in adoration with Christ, that is better than spending none at all.
If we're only able to send a quick "I love you" text to our spouse during the day, than that is better than no gesture of love at all. Sometimes the most loving thing can be a huge sacrifice, like moving away from family and friends for your spouse's job, or it can be something simple like picking up your spouse from the train station to letting him/her choose the movie for date night. Which actions show the greatest love?
One of the things my husband and I did early in our marriage was make a list of ways we could daily show our love. Some of those items included praying together, keeping in touch during the day with texts/emails/voicemails (especially when we were too busy to connect for a real conversation) singing, dancing, making a cup of coffee, buying chocolate or a bottle of wine, planning our dream home, and talking about future goals.
While it is good to know about love languages in general, no one fits entirely into a box with an exclusive label. Be sensitive and willing to adapt to your spouse in specific times and situations, as well as honest in expressing your needs as they change. It's easy to express love when things are going well, but if you can form the habit of asking yourself in stressful and tense moments—"What is the most loving thing I can do for this person right now?"—you'll find that those are the times your relationship grows stronger and invites joy to stay.
