For Men: Cultivating a Heroic Imagination Helps Relationships
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Every man dreams of rescuing a damsel in distress.
Or at least, every man ought to.
At his heart, every healthy, well-adjusted man wishes to be Perseus standing between Andromeda and the sea monster, or Superman rescuing Lois Lane, or St. George slaying the dragon on behalf of the princess. Or else we fantasize of carrying someone from a burning building, or running down a purse-snatcher, or taking charge in an emergency.
In short, we imagine ourselves being heroes…at least, until we are taught that such things are childish and silly, or even outdated and sexist. Then we try to expunge them from our hearts and minds, or at least hold them at arm’s length and laugh at ourselves for having them.
This is a very bad mistake. For a heroic imagination is one of the most useful things we can possess, especially when it comes to a relationship.
Feeling > knowledge
To understand why, it’s important to be clear on some fundamental facts of human behavior, chief among them that we tend to act less from knowledge than from feeling.
A soldier is not rallied to keep fighting in a seemingly hopeless position by a careful explanation of the strategic value of the battle but by the thought that he’s of the 101st and the Screaming Eagles never surrender. A man is not made honest by a syllogism on the value of truth, but by the idea that “a gentleman always keeps his word.” Sentiment, not reason, is the main source of virtue.
Take the sentiment ‘a gentleman always keeps his word,’ for instance.
The power of the phrase comes from the imagined conception of ‘a gentleman:’ a refined, dignified man of high standing and long lineage, burdened by the expectations attached to his family name and equipped to meet them by excellent breeding and education.
The man sees that to be a gentleman is a fine thing, and that if he would be a gentleman he must act as one. This creates a strong felt desire that acts as a counterweight to the felt desire for whatever advantages would accrue from lying.
Now, crucial to this process is the ability to create an imaginative picture of a gentleman and to imagine oneself acting as one, and the same is true of any other such sentiment.
It has been said that, “as a man thinketh, so he is,” but perhaps it would be equally accurate to say, “as a man imagineth, so he becomes.” Not because, in Napoleon Hill fashion, he imagines himself becoming a certain way and becomes so, but because through imagination he is able to feel the value of becoming a certain kind of man and consequently able to desire it.
That is why I say it is good for men to fantasize about heroic deeds; charging into the breech of a battle line, standing up for the truth against the ridicule of the world, and, of course, rescuing the damsel in distress. The imagination allows us to see heroism and self-sacrifice as valuable things, and thus to desire them for their own sake.
This heroic imagination is very helpful in relationships.
It should be clear now why I say this is a very useful practice, especially for a relationship. A man who regularly daydreams of slogging through the swamp to rescue the girl from the villain’s alligator farm has already created a mental habit of self-sacrifice and devotion in spite of hardship; the idea that ‘it is desirable to endure hardship for her sake; to protect her, comfort her, and provide for her.’
Fantasies of heroism are the first step to making heroism—that is, self-sacrifice, devotion, and so on—appear desirable.
Now, the specifics of this kind of fantasy are not the point: you aren’t forming a plan of action, but reinforcing a principle of behavior. Relatively few of us will have occasion to save our significant other from a sea monster, but all of us will likely find opportunity to hold her hand while she cries, do the dishes so she doesn’t have to, or escort her through a neighborhood of uncertain repute.
The same basic principle is involved: “when she needs me, I will be there no matter what.”
This is why I say every man ought to dream of rescuing a damsel in distress, because to do so is to take one step away from selfishness and brutality and feel the value of devotion, sacrifice, and gentleness. It plants the seed of the idea that when things get rough or when she is in a bad place, that it is your responsibility, as a man, to step up and put yourself on the line for her sake.
In other words, the point is not that women are helpless, but that men ought to help them.
To that end I am recommending a good, solid program of daydreaming. Whether you are in a relationship or not, give yourself permission to imagine yourself heroically coming to the aid of a lady in distress, whether this means fighting a dragon for her or just giving her your coat on a chilly night. Imagine yourself behaving nobly, courageously, and devotedly for her sake, and allow yourself to enjoy the imagined sensation of being heroic.
It won’t be long before you find yourself looking for chances to be heroic in real life, and if there aren’t any convenient sea monsters around, you almost certainly can find a chore that needs doing or a chance for offering emotional support.
Cultivate a heroic imagination, and you will soon find yourself developing heroic habits. And every woman wants a hero.
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