As we prepare for Christmas and the New Year, we are likely to meet, either for the first time, or successive time, our significant other's family. Here are some practical tips for to putting your best foot forward, developing a sensitivity to family dynamics, but also relaxing and having fun!
1. Dress fashionably but conservatively. Ask your significant other how others typically dress for the occasion (are they still in their dress clothes after coming from Mass or have they changed to polos and jeans?). You could easily give the wrong impression if you dress to one extreme or the other—this is more often true for women, since for men, they can easily accommodate by removing or adding a tie or sports coat.
2. Stick with comfort. I love cute shoes, but stick to comfortable ones so that you're not distracted by pain or discomfort.
3. Go light on the fragrances! If you're typically a perfume/cologne wearer, try to skip it—it might be upsetting to a guest's sensitive nose (especially if there's a pregnant woman there or small children), as well as distracting from the delicious smells of holiday cooking! Besides, you'll likely be hugging people, and they might not want to walk away still smelling you the way your significant other wants to.
4. Prepare a host/hostess gift: Consider bringing a beverage, flowers, chocolates, hot chocolate/coffee/tea sampler, dessert, Christmas ornament, or candles are always a nice token to show your appreciation for their invitation. Check first to find out the preferences, allergies, or things to avoid.
5. Remember the kids. You'll also score points with your significant other's nieces and nephews, if you bring a family board game, mad libs, or coloring books, foam crafts for kids, deck of cards, as well as much appreciation from their parents (your possible in-laws?) Not only are they common activities for all to enjoy, but it gives you an activity to do (other than offering to help out), thereby avoiding sitting awkwardly by yourself.
6. Remember to say thanks. After the visit, follow up with hand written thank you note.
7. Be a relationship detective: If the parents are still married, notice how they talk to one another. How do they show their affection in something ordinary like serving a meal? Hosting a larger family function may become your norm if things progress towards marriage. So pay attention to the ways this family gives and receives love.
8. Learn more about your love. What are the dynamics of the day? Are they curt with one another? Is one focused on serving others while the other is focused on serving themselves and staying comfortable? How does your significant other react to this scene? How does your significant other behave differently? How do they treat their children and siblings if present? How do they treat their parents?
9. Learn what marriage looks like. What behaviors would you want to model in your own marriage? These become great discussion points for another day with your beau/belle.
10. Learn about stressors. Regardless of your significant other's personal view point and outlook, during moments of stress and conflict, we tend to resort to bad habits (such as those we learned growing up). It's helpful to observe some of these situations to then talk about later.
11. Learn about family life. What priority does your significant other place on spending time with siblings? Will your kids be close with their cousins? How do the other siblings interact with one another? Is there existing drama between anyone? While the objective isn't gossip, the temptation can be there if tension exists, so try to stay clear of that by showing empathy and mercy. However, these heated situations have a way of showing individual and family priorities.
12. How is conflict handled? Is the family encouraging reconciliation, or do they try "sweep it under the rug" avoidance approach? Do they engage in belittling the other person in front of others, down-playing concerns, shouting matches, or biting sarcasm? How are the other siblings parenting their children? How does this differ from how they were raised?
13. What are the priorities in the holidays? Is it decoration, food, spending time together, prayer (such as going to Mass together, saying grace or other prayers) or making sure things are "right"—attention to things or individuals? Is anyone particularly focused on gossip? Anyone else particularly focused on vanity—diets, losing weight, eating too much, etc?
14. How do you fit in? How does he/she handle your influence—either your own stress getting added to it, or accepting help to diffuse tension and remain neutral? Did you hit it off with another family member right away? How were you received? Was there any tension?
These Christmas visitations are not just a way to celebrate Christ's birth, but they also serve as a glimpse into the future, should we continue down the path towards marriage in this relationship. Use the time wisely!
