How To Actually Beat Comparison Traps
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Human nature has the ingrained instinct to compare. How else do we learn and grow?
From infancy through old age, we learn by holding up something new beside everything else we know, to find a way to understand and learn about it. We even do it with relationships—it’s normal to reflect on how people are similar or different to those around you. It’s one of the ways we can recognize a good thing when we see it, or know when to stop a situation that’s unhealthy.
Comparison in this way is a natural and normal thing to do, because it benefits ourselves and those around us as we look for God’s next stepping-stone on our path to Heaven.
And then there’s the other thing, which we call comparison TRAPS.
These take things to a whole different level. Comparison traps, as you know, ruin happiness and plant doubt and despair instead. These traps happen when we continually start comparing ourselves, our ideas, or our relationships with another, to the point of habit or even obsession.
Comparison turns into a trap when we start getting envious, jealous, or simply despair in ourselves. We think it’s not even worth trying anymore, because how can I compare with my beautiful friend? These thousands of perfect online dating profiles? That Instagram couple who have the most amazing life? We fall for the idea that there is only one right way to be, look, think, or date. And it interferes with our lives.
You already know this.
Most of us would never intentionally trip ourselves up with comparisons to other people. We know we’re unique and made in God’s image, so we would never do that. The thing we don’t know is what to do when “I would never” turns into “pretty often, despite my best intentions.”
It happens to me all the time—I’ve never been one to care what other people think of me. But that doesn’t seem to matter because comparison traps revolve around what we think of ourselves, not what others think about us.
This is good news and bad news. Bad news: nobody can help you escape your comparison trap for you, because it has nothing to do with them. Good news: you can beat the comparison trap all by yourself!
The next time you find yourself in the whirlpool of envy that we all know, try following these steps:
- Identify and define the comparison trap. Sin loses power when you label it under a spotlight, right? Start with that. When you notice those feelings of envy or despair, turn around and ask yourself why you’re thinking those things. Are those thoughts leading you into jealousy or despair? If so, say to yourself, “This is a comparison trap, and I will not fall for it.” Often, this alone can make comparison vanish, which is pretty cool! But sometimes, we have to take our defense further to really escape the trap.
- Stop doing whatever leads you into the comparison trap. Figure out the trigger—maybe when you’re online dating, you automatically think you have fewer messages than everyone else. Maybe it’s being on the phone with your beautiful friend, who doesn’t realize she’s making you feel bad. (If she does realize it, that’s a whole different article!) Maybe it’s scrolling through that perfect couple’s social media, watching YouTube, or even reading the cute couple stories on CatholicMatch. Mark the comparison trap by its environment, and then stop doing it. Take a week or two away from online dating. Take a hiatus from talking to your friend on the phone for a few days. Get off social media. The really important part of stopping comparison is what you replace it with, which is step three...
- Go do your own thing, something that DOESN'T have to do with the object of comparison. Seriously, do something else you enjoy, something completely different than the trap. For me, I love drawing as well as writing. Whenever I start to (inevitably) compare my work to Michaelangelo’s, I switch to a writing project. When I start to do the same thing with J.R.R. Tolkien, I go back to drawing. Switching gears helps me to both stop comparing and start focusing on developing myself. It can do the same for you. If you feel that you’re not good enough or will just fail anyway, that’s the comparison trap baiting you again. Ignore those thoughts. Often, this time away doing your own thing will kill the comparison trap, and you’ll start to see that your dating profile is just as awesome as the others online, that you are not an ugly troll compared to your pretty friend, or that couple’s social media is just an edited highlight reel.
- Return with fresh eyes, a fresh perspective, and maybe even a fresh approach. Watch for the comparison trap bait, and have a plan so you don’t get caught again. So what if those online profiles seem to have an endless number of dates? It doesn’t have anything to do with your own dating life. Your beautiful friend who you think you can’t compare to? She probably has just as many insecurities as you. That Instagram couple with the perfect life? They’re only posting the good moments, not the toddler tantrums or the sick days. Also, if you fall into the trap again or a new one starts up, don’t beat yourself up about it. This happens to all of us!
Repeat these steps as needed.
Remember, comparison traps hinge on what we think of ourselves, even though we’re tricked into thinking it’s about other people. We can’t know someone’s mind or relationship by looking at the outside. We just THINK we know, and that can be a serious roadblock.
In reality, comparison traps revolve around your mindset and your self-image. Pray about it, remember that you’re you for a reason and God wants you to be YOU, not anybody else. No matter what. There is a right way for you to be, and it’s probably not like that beautiful friend or that perfect couple. That’s good. Because they’re not you. Only you are.
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