How Do I Know She Is "The One?"

How do I know she is the one?

Jack wrote these words to me in an email with a sense of bewilderment. He had been dating a woman for six months and had strong feelings for her. They were both in their late 30s and knew what they wanted out of life, so he was contemplating popping the question. But, as he stated in the note, with the rate of divorce being so high he was questioning his ability to detect whether or not he was making the right decision. He wanted to have some absolutes he could count on, some sort of recipe for knowing 100% you are with the right person.

This is a critical question in the discernment process, and one that is on many peoples' minds. Personally, I think there are many indicators to help you know if you are with the right person and the way you feel about someone is certainly one of them. Usually, when you are with "the one" you feel a strong, familiar, peaceful connection to him/her in addition to the romance and excitement. But... we all know feelings change. Therein lies the beauty of marriage; learning to love each other even more when those feelings aren't present. But, if feelings are not the proper gauge, what is?

What Am I Getting Myself Into?

An interesting trend has emerged in the last 15 years or so that underscores this desire among single people to feel as confident as possible about their chosen partner, and that trend is all about couples who are not yet engaged but are attending pre-cana classes. "We just want to know what we are getting into so we don't waste each other's time," said Julie, who was attending just such a retreat with her boyfriend, Brian. I had asked Julie specifically why she would attend if she and Brian weren't engaged, yet. "It's too important... I don't want to get a divorce, I'd rather have a long and happy marriage."

Fair enough. So, if you love the one you're with, is it enough to be in love and agree on the issues of children, faith, finances, etc.? Some people would say yes, but Jack had all this and still wanted  some sign, some indication he couldn't doubt that his girlfriend was the person God had intended for him.

If you find yourself in these same shoes, I have a simple, yet very effective way to help you discern whether you are with Mr. or Mrs. Right. Just ask yourself these three questions:

1.      Will my relationship with this person bring me closer to God?

If our goal in life is to spend eternity with God in heaven then this should always be the first question we ask ourselves. In reflecting on this question and answering honestly, you take a huge step in knowing if this person is the right one for you. Even if you've only been together a few weeks to a month or so, you already have some insight into your behaviors as a couple. Do you hold the same faith? Are you comfortable discussing your beliefs with this person? Is faith and morality as important to your significant other as it is to you? The answers to these questions all indicate one of three things: either the relationship is moving you toward God, it isn't, or you need to start talking about these things to find out.

2.      Will my relationship with this person make me a more loving person?

I'm not talking about romantic love here, because that should naturally be a yes. What I am saying is, does your relationship with this person enable you to grow in love for God and others? Genuine love is self-less, it focuses on others. So in your relationship, are you focused on making your partner happy, or are you in the relationship for your own benefit? Another way to tell if your relationship will help you become a more loving person is by defining how open the two of you are to new life. Two people who are committed to each other but not yet married reveal their openness to new life by never using artificial contraception at any stage in their relationship which means you remain celibate until marriage. Some other indicators: are you, as a couple, comfortable sharing your faith with others? Becoming active in your parish? All these are ways to measure your potential for becoming a more loving person in your current relationship.

3.      Will this relationship allow me to use my gifts and talents?

That might sound odd, but it's an important thing to consider. God endowed you with gifts and talents for a reason... so you can use them for His glory and the good of others. So, this question speaks directly to the level of harmony between the two people in the relationship. Is your significant other supportive of your interests and goals? Does this person encourage you to follow your dreams and stand beside you to cheer you on? I might add here that this is something you should feel comfortable doing in return. Can you back this person up on all his/her pursuits?

If you take some time to reflect on these questions and answer them honestly, you should have a great headstart, possibly even a major breakthrough in knowing whether or not you are with the right person.

Would love to hear your feedback. Email me at asklisa@catholicmatch.com or visit me at LisaDuffy.Com.