All the talk about divorce and prenups on my last post, got me thinking. There is one prenuptial agreement that Catholics can make. Unfortunately, it's not an option. Yet.
Maybe you've heard of it. In certain states a bunch of years back there was a movement to fight no-fault divorce laws. There still is in some places. The concept is that when a couple goes in to get a marriage license they can opt out of no-fault divorce, simply by checking off a box. That agreement would be legally binding. That would mean that, should the unthinkable happen, there would be no divorce granted without proving a just cause.
That is how it used to be in America. A spouse had to prove cruelty or abuse or some other just cause in order to be granted a divorce. This created a barrier against frivolous divorce suits—which are sadly common today. As Dr. Ray Guarendi told me in a recent interview, "Most marriages fail not because there’s pathology, but because 'I don’t like you anymore.'”
But ever since 1970, when the divorced and remarried Governor Ronald Reagan signed "no fault divorce" into law in California, divorce has been comparatively easy to get. The reasons given for removing the requirement to prove just cause were that people were perjuring themselves—making things up so as to get a divorce, or that they were risking their reputations by dragging their dirty laundry into the open. What followed was a tide of bleeding families, provoking some citizens and lawmakers to bring back a barrier—at least as an option.
No one wants the option
My husband and I met with our state rep in our home and proposed at least giving the option to a couple to opt out of no-fault divorce themselves. Though our rep was a Catholic—who in fact went to school with my husband—he didn't see how it could work. The reasons became clear not long after our meeting when he left his own wife.
Not surprisingly, the option failed in other places as well. Too many people have a personal stake in the status quo—the freedom to get an easy divorce.
Still, I know of one place where even the idea of that option did some good. My brother used it to prove a point to the all male students of the high school Theology class he teaches. He asked them what they thought of the option. Would they check off the box? No, they said. It would limit their freedom. That did not surprise me. What surprised me (and him) was that most of them did not think it should even exist!
"Even for other people to use?" he asked. Nope!
It made me wonder how a classroom full of girls would have responded to the same question. Would they be more on the side of freedom or commitment?
A red flag question
As my brother did with his Theology class, I think singles could use the concept to jump start a conversation. Suppose you are dating someone and it is getting serious and you ask, "Would you check off the box saying you opt out of a no-fault divorce? Should the box even exist?"
You can learn a lot about the person you are dating based on their answers. If someone is not willing to limit their freedom to walk out on you at will, as my brother's students were not, it should raise a red flag. It's basically saying, I vow to love you until... I don't anymore.
That's how too many people in our culture take marriage these days. It's a contract. If it becomes unsatisfactory, you can break it. That's why prenups exist. But Matrimony, in the eyes of the Church and in the eyes of God is a covenant. It's meant to last a lifetime. So how about a prenup that helps you stay together?
What your significant other says about that could make all the difference.
