Good Friends Make You a Better Person
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Editor's Note: I’ve decided to use the 40 days of Lent to reflect on the questions from the St. Raphael prayer card. The 12 questions are a small reminder to improve myself every day so that I can build good habits to prepare myself for marriage. Just starting your Lenten plan? It's not too late. You can read the entire series here.
The next question that I would like to tackle in our Lenten Reflection is: Do I look for ways to improve myself?
If you are following along on this Lenten Reflection for Singles then I think you are off to a good start! But maybe you want to do something more directed or more intense? Here is a suggestion from a completely different angle.
I would like to argue, that one of the best ways to improve yourself is to deepen and improve your friendships. Developing healthy and strong friendships will help each of us on this journey to discover what God truly has in store for us. And with good friends we don't walk alone.
I know you are probably thinking that you have good friendships and you don't need to develop the relationships; or you have tons of friends and have no interest in making more. But have you ever stopped to think about what really makes for a good friend?
C.S. Lewis in The Four Loves explains, "Friendship arises out of mere Companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, "What? You too? I thought I was the only one.'"
I love this description of a developing friendship. I can completely relate to this feeling. The first time I experienced this was when I went away to a Catholic college. All during my high school years I felt out of place. I had different experiences, different interests and often felt like an outsider in this small private school. I had many friends in high school, but I often had to put on an act to fit into various cliques. When I was with the sports teams we talked about fitness and basketball shoes. When I was with the theater group we talked about costumes and how tough that alto line was. When I was with the Freshman I would put on my Mama Bear hat to make sure the Juniors weren't harassing them. But no matter how many groups I hung out with, there wasn't one place where I felt comfortable or where I could be myself.
That all changed when I went to college. I became instant friends with a great group of young Catholics. I was only at school for a month, but I felt like I knew these friends for a lifetime. And I knew that we would be friends forever. We had common interests, we had similar upbringings, and the same goals. Maybe it was maturity, but the level of friendship I had with my college classmates was something deeper than I had ever experienced before.
C.S. Lewis explains the real bond that occurs in true friendships: "The common quest or vision which unites Friends does not absorb them in such a way that they remain ignorant or oblivious to one another. On the contrary it is the very medium in which their mutual love and knowledge exist." ... You will not find the warrior, the poet, the philosopher or the Christian by staring in his eyes as if he were your mistress: better fight beside him, read with him, argue with him, pray with him."
As true friends journey together, they discover more about each other in a way that is authentic. They challenge each other to strive to become the person God intended them to be. True friends are humbled to be in the same circle with each other. They see the friendship as a gift and a privilege.
C.S. Lewis explains how friends begin to appreciate the others in a deeper way and how they can help bring out the best in each other. He says, "In a perfect Friendship this Appreciative love is, I think, often so great and so firmly based that each member of the circle feels, in his secret heart, humbled before all the rest. Sometimes he wonders what he is doing there among his betters. He is lucky beyond desert to be in such company. Especially when the whole group is together, each bringing out all that is best, wisest, or funniest in all the others."
C.S. Lewis explains that there is a big difference between romantic love and friendships. There is no exclusivity between real friends. When the whole group is together they help all the members to be the best version of themselves. "Lovers are normally face to face, absorbed in each other; Friends, side by side, absorbed in some common interest. Above all, Eros [Passionate Love] ... is necessarily between two only. But two, far from being the necessary number for Friendship, is not even the best. And the reason for this is important. ... True Friendship is the least jealous of loves. Two friends delight to be joined by a third, and three by a fourth, if only the new comer is qualified to become a real friend. They can then say, as the blessed souls say in Dante, 'Here comes one who will augment our loves.' For in this love 'to divide is not to take away.'
As we strive to improve, we don't do it alone when we have good friends. Our true friends help us on this journey. They are there to support and listen, but they are also not afraid to say the hard thing. Real friends will tell you if you need to have a better relationship with your father, if the guy you are dating is a jerk, or if it is time to find a new job.
Fostering healthy friendships not only helps us to improve personally, but prepares our hearts to be the best spouse we can be. Looking for true love? Start with true friendships.
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