Are You Mad Because Your Ex Is Happy?
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There are many different types of people in the world... different temperaments, different personalities, and so on, but in relationships, there is often a common thread of behavior that ensues regardless of whether you are a melancholic or a sanguine, outgoing or shy, and that is the desire to control the other person.
For some couples, it is fairly obvious that this is a problem. One spouse demands a particular behavior from the other in no uncertain terms. I have known couples who have this dynamic in their relationship and some stay together, some don't. For others, though, this desire to control the other's behavior is quite subtle. It's something that isn't talked about much, but results in a complete disconnect in the relationship that leads to divorce.
If you have been in a marriage like this that has ended in divorce, you also know it can be extremely difficult to accept the finality of divorce, to let go of your ex-spouse and work on forgiveness. My friend, I can commiserate with you. In looking back at my own personal experience, I believe that much of the pain I suffered through in the first month or so after my ex-spouse left was because I was in win-back mode. I refused to accept the premise of divorce and I was doing everything I could to win him back. I couldn't see that it was just a pointless exercise. I even went so far as to ask him to consider reconciliation and that I would forgive everything. I wrote about that in depth in my new book, The Catholic Guide To Dating After Divorce, due out in May so if you'd like to know the full story, it's in that book. But it took me a long time to be able to accept the fact that I couldn't control what my ex-spouse was doing or saying. I couldn't make him love me. I had to let him go and accept that he was allowed to make his own choices.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think trying to save my marriage was a bad thing at all. I encourage anyone to do as much as you can to save your own marriage. But, if there comes a time when the door to reconciliation is closed, locked, and bolted, that's when it's time to begin that process of detachment, to be able to say that was his choice, that was her choice.
I know for many people this is a very painful proposition and it might take some time to work through that. But sometimes what you don't see is the pain you cause yourself by clinging to something that's gone. Then, you have to make that difficult choice – to let go. When I finally let go of trying to make my husband love me again, I found peace. I started to hear God's voice more clearly in my heart. I knew God didn't want my divorce to happen but the time had come to start moving forward without trying to drag my ex-spouse along with me. That's when the prospect of forgiving him became palatable. I had to forgive the choices he made that caused me so much pain.
And then, it was almost like a mirror had been held up in front of me and I realized the great power there was in forgiving because I realized it was exactly what God did for me. Not just that moment, but every moment of my life. Every bad decision, every sinful act, every defiant gesture toward Him, He forgave me. And he didn't force me to change. I was free to make my own choices.
In the end, I learned quite a few things; I'll never regret doing all I could to save my marriage. I will never look back and say, "What if?" But more importantly, forgiving and being merciful comes more quickly now because I know I can't control others. I must let them make their own choices. I need to pray for them, give them their freedom, and be merciful. If you can relate to this situation, I'd like to offer you a few questions to reflect upon that you may find helpful:
1. Are there things about my ex-spouse I am trying to control? What are they? What do I stand to gain from this? How would my life change if I let go of these things?
2. What does being merciful toward your ex-spouse mean to you?
After reflecting upon these and finding your answers, you might consider coming up with a few ways you can make yourself be less controlling and more merciful toward your ex-spouse. If you can do this and put them into practice, they will probably help you begin moving forward a little faster on your road to healing and finding a new life.
Feel free to send me your comments and questions at asklisa@catholicmatch.com or follow me on Twitter @lisaduffy.
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