When I first heard about the idea of marriage sabbaticals, I thought they sounded like a bad idea. I thought they must be something like what took place in that insipid movie, Hall Pass from a few years ago, in which a woman gives her husband a break from their wedding vows for a set period of time.
But real-life marriage sabbaticals, it turns out, are something altogether different.
“A marriage sabbatical is when you take some structured time off to work on yourself, to work on the marriage so that you can decide to be together, decide to be apart, and really make a clean decision,” marriage and family therapist Gracie Landes explained.
The kinds of sabbaticals described in the article are for marriages in serious crisis, but I think the concept of deliberately spending time apart could be applied in less serious situations as well—every marriage can benefit from an occasional "time out." In spending time apart, couples have the opportunity to break toxic patterns of behavior, gain perspective, and grow in their appreciation for one another.
I will never forget the morning, many years ago, when I was very pregnant (and okay, maybe just a little hormonal), when my husband Dan and I got in a terrible screaming match over … breakfast cereal. I will spare you the ugly details, but it had something to do with who left a bowl of soggy, half-eaten breakfast cereal on the coffee table the night before. So that in the early morning, the toddler could find it and proceed to dump its contents on Mommy's books, couch, and carpet.
I'll admit that I started it. I said some mean things. Then he said mean things, and then I felt justified in saying some even meaner things, and we continued in this magnanimous way until we had spiraled so far downward neither of us even thought to stop. Thankfully, I had a day's worth of errands to run that day, so I grabbed my car keys and slammed the door behind me, leaving whatshisname to deal with the sticky toddler and living room. I clenched my jaw and my blood pressure pounded in my ears as I screeched out of the driveway.
This was a rare thing for us. Our marriage was not in crisis, so a months-long sabbatical was certainly not in order, but I would say we definitely needed a time-out, and a time-out was what we got for the morning. I shopped for a vacuum cleaner, mailed some packages, and browsed the bookstore. I spent the entire morning by myself. By the time I stopped for lunch, I was feeling much more removed from the drama of our argument. I began replaying the morning's events in my head, and I felt ashamed of the things I had said. I was truly sorry for my part in the ugliness, and so I skipped lunch and rushed home to say I was sorry. Turns out he was sorry too.
That day, it occurred to me that time away from my husband was exactly what I needed to regain perspective and get over myself, especially after a nasty argument. And I didn't even need the whole day! The same can be true for all kinds of married couples who might be experiencing stress and disagreement. You may not get into an ugly shouting match with your spouse, but if you find yourselves in a habit of bickering over small things, or just in a general pattern of disagreement, your marriage might benefit from some space.
A married "time-out" can give you exactly that. If the two of you make a conscious effort, with a positive spirit of cooperation, to spend some time pursuing separate projects for an afternoon, a day, or even a weekend, you might find that when it's over, you return to one another refreshed and eager to share your individual experiences in a way that draws you closer together. Everybody benefits. We have always put bickering siblings in separate spaces, and I even need to separate my two dogs now and then when they can't seem to get along. There is no shame in admitting that married couples can benefit from some of that same practical wisdom.
If you think your marriage might be in need of a "time out," I encourage you to try it. It doesn't have to be a dramatic event. Just give yourselves some space!
Besides, after you and your spouse have spent some time away from one another, then you can get to work on your next, even more fun assignment: Spending some deliberate time with one another, enjoying your married relationship for what God means for it to be—a blessing, a treasure, and a joy.
