Do I Have to Give Up Adventure When I Get Married?

I recently received this question from a reader:

Why are men in their 40s and 50s more interested in traveling the world and seeking adventure and yet claim they definitely want children? I know a man who was dating an attractive and good woman, but when one conflict came up, he moved on in a flash. He explained that they were incompatible because he wants a woman who will sky dive or go on the most dangerous roller-coaster. Why do men act this way?

This topic is a sore spot for more than one woman I know: Things seemed to be going well in a relationship and both parties seem interested, but the man bolts at the first sign of conflict. His excuse is often that he's looking for someone who is more adventurous.

It almost seems that the stated desire for a woman who will "skydive or brave the most dangerous roller coaster" is actually just an escape hatch. If she's not willing to say "yes" to dangerous adventure, then we can consign her to the "incompatible" category. I'm not even sure that we as men realize what we're doing. I don't think it's a deliberate set up. We really don't want a woman who is going to keep us from adventure or freedom—or so we think.

The desire for adventure is not unnatural. As men we are hardwired to take risks. As protectors we stand between our loved ones and danger. We may live in a world where physical dangers have been reduced, but the drive is still there. That urge to face the unknown remains. We want to have our mettle tested. We want to face threats and challenges and overcome them. There are times when we feel adventure calling us, even if it simply means getting in a car and driving across the country to see what we can see. We enjoy the feeling of not being tied to anything.

But what happens when you are in a relationship? You can't just drop everything and go on an adventure. You can't always wake up and feel that the day ahead is yours and yours alone. You have responsibilities.

I used to make a cross-country road trip every year. I took two weeks off, hopped in the car and drove from one end of the country to the other, stopping in and out of interesting places, seeing national parks, exploring small towns and roadside attractions, taking in the natural wonders between the coasts. I loved the sense of freedom. I craved the open road. The last time I took that trip was right before I met my future wife.

After I got married, I would bring up the subject of making the same trip with her. We may do it one day, but it really doesn't matter anymore. I know we would have a lot of fun, but I also know that those trips were really for myself, and that trying to replicate the same adventure with my wife would be impossible. I was a different man on those interstate drives. Spending hours on those lonely roads that stretch for hundreds of miles, I was reminded that I was alone. I daydreamed about one day meeting "her"; the one with whom I could share a life.

Well, I've met "her" and I've married her. I don't think of her as an addition to my life, or one who needs to somehow accommodate my need for adventure-at-a-moment's notice. Since I've been married I've seen things through a different, more mature lens.

One of my favorite movie lines is from Six Days, Seven Nights, and I believe it sums this up marvelously. While stranded on a desert isle, Harrison Ford gives Anne Heche a quick summary of his life. He tells her of his marital breakup and subsequent plan to sell his business, buy a plane, and move to a remote island in the South Pacific where his only responsibility is the occasional job for a local hotel. He can enjoy carefree living on the beaches under the palm trees. He tells her he's "living the life every man dreams about."

Heche's reply? "Well, yeah. Until they're 12."

That answer probably stings a bit but there is a lot of truth in it. The spirit of adventure is not a bad thing, but it has a different weight as we grow older, especially if we want to get married and start a family. And that urge to get married and start a family is still there or we would not be on a site like CatholicMatch. And it's okay to want your future spouse to share your sense of adventure—but at what cost? If you had to choose between a marriage with no adventure or travel or a single, care-free life where you could do what you want whenever you want, which would you choose? What can you truly build if you put all of your whims and needs for novelty adventure before all else?

If you truly feel you cannot live without adventure, ask yourself what that adventure provides. For whom are you living?

No one says you have to give up adventure. When the desire strikes, take off and go on a hunting trip. Go fishing. Get together with some friends and go rafting of hiking. If roller coasters are your thing, have at it. But don't hide behind these things. When it looks as if a relationship is about to get serious, it can be easy (and natural) for us to think about all the things we will be giving up. But what are you really giving up?