Dear Father,
In the book of Proverbs 18:22 it says, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD." The reason I bring this up is that I've heard it said so many times that "marriages are made in heaven." Are they? Does God have my future spouse already picked out for me?
--STILL LOOKING
To the Proverb you mention, I would add St. Paul's directive in I Corinthians 7:39: "A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. If the husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, provided it is in the Lord." And one could also ponder directives regarding Christian marriage from a Father of the Church such as St. Ignatius of Antioch in the 2nd century written to another bishop, St. Polycarp: "Those who marry should be united with the bishop's approval, so that the marriage may follow God's will and not merely the prompting of the flesh. Let everything be done for God's honor."
Such passages begin to shed some light on the question. They reflect the reality of human freedom, choices and decisions; the reality of having to seek and find a spouse; the distinction between a marriage "in the Lord" and one that is not, and so on. So the question really hinges on how we understand human freedom on the one hand, and God's all-embracing providence on the other. With regard to the latter, the Catechism of the Catholic Church states:
"To human beings God even gives the power of freely sharing in his providence by entrusting them with the responsibility of "subduing" the earth and having dominion over it.God thus enables men to be intelligent and free causes in order to complete the work of creation, to perfect its harmony for their own good and that of their neighbors. Though often unconscious collaborators with God's will, they can also enter deliberately into the divine plan by their actions, their prayers and their sufferings.They then fully become "God's fellow workers" and co-workers for his kingdom" (CCC, 307).
So, even without realizing it--perhaps most of the time!--human beings can be collaborating with God's providential love. This is the same providence that "makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28)," and even for those who don't because "he makes his sun rise on the evil and the good" (Matthew 5:45).
How far into our lives does that providence extend? How can God guide my life by his providential love, but still respect my freedom? Well, these are questions that Christian philosophers and theologians have grappled with for years--and we still don't have definitive answers because in the end, we find ourselves immersed in a great mystery.
So where does that leave our question? Are marriages made in heaven?
It turns out that this belief--akin to the more secular notion of "romantic destiny" and the search for one's "soul mate"--is broadly shared by most Americans. According to a 2011 Marist poll, 73% of Americans believe that there is one true "soul-mate" waiting out there, whom they are destined to find.
It seems quite reasonable to believe that at least some marriages are very much "made in heaven," predestined from all eternity--like that of Mary and Joseph. It also seems quite reasonable to believe that God, respecting our freedom, allows people every day to make horrible choices, and even to end up in very bad relationships with persons to whom God never would have directed them in the first place.
It also seems very reasonable to believe that if we sincerely ask God to guide us to our future spouse, he will undoubtedly do so. The very inspiration to seek his guidance is itself an indication that he "has someone in mind" for you. This is all the more the case when our intention is to "marry in the Lord," and from A to Z, from the moment we meet, through courtship, always to strive to live that relationship according to God's plan for marriage.
So my answer to your question is simply this. Pray for your future spouse. Open yourself to the guiding hand of God. That doesn't mean, of course, that you will suddenly receive some kind of revelation about this person. You likely will not walk into a crowded cocktail party and see this person across the room and "know" by some sudden divine inspiration that "this is the one!" God will likely not spare you the "work" of having to date, and perhaps engage in several relationships before you find your match. But if you are open, prayerful, patient and discerning, if you strive to be faithful to his plan about sexual love (if you are chaste in those relationships), there is no reason to doubt that God, in his loving Providence, will guide you to your spouse.
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