50 Shades of Confusion

50 Shades of Grey is a nation-wide best seller and the top grossing book in the country. Many love it. Many hate it. Some use it as a how-to manual while others are offended and appalled by it. It has transformed the way people think about sex, love, and relationships. But, is this a good thing?

Author E.L. James told Variety Magazine that, "Fifty Shades of Grey is first and foremost a romantic love story, and the sex is only part of that.”

However, nothing could be further from the truth. (And to answer a common question; yes, I have read 50 Shades of Grey.) It is overtly apparent that Mrs. James has no idea what love is. Yet, she did admit to US Weekly that she wrote this book during her mid-life crisis. She told the magazine that these were her fantasies lived out in full.

The whole story centers around Christian, a sexually abusive, sadomasochist, control freak who desires to dominate and control Ana in and out of the bedroom “as he controls everything else in his life.”

The whole book revolves around whether Ana can make a relationship work with a sadomasochist who's "not good for her."

Christian even gives her a contract to sign if she wishes to proceed with him, in which, he tells her what to eat, how many hours to sleep, what to wear, what she’ll be willing to put up with, along with a clause stating that she must make herself sexually available to him whenever he wants and for whatever he wants to do to her within those said limits. Ana knows ahead of time she will be punished and receive pain for any disobedience of the “rules.” The question is why she stays with him and doesn't run screaming into the night? And why would a book that glorifies abuse be so popular?

Problem #1: Fantasy vs. Feelings

Some readers romanticize this abusive relationship saying, “It is love! Look at how Christian changes for her.” Even if this character does change for her, this is only fantasy, which is important to remember. In real life, healthy women don’t allow guys to stalk them. It’s creepy and indicative of major issues. In real life, we also council women and young girls to stay away from abusers, control freaks, and those who don’t treat women right. Yet, in the story, Ana puts up with all of this and more. We read about her highs and lows. She is on cloud nine one minute and crying her eyes out the next (a sure tell sign of an unhealthy relationship).

And, why does she put up with all of this? Because Christian is hot and sexy… and rich… and gives great sex. This is not remotely love. It's shallow, immature neediness. (See my article here on the confusion of strong emotions and love). The reality is that most of the book is about sex or discussion of sex, and sex is not love!

In real life, abusers like this don’t change, especially in the unrealistic few weeks of time that Christian and Ana have known each other. The reality is that many women spend so much time, effort, energy, toil and labor trying to change an abusive or deadbeat guy when they shouldn’t even be dating in the first place.

Problem #2: Strong Emotions are Not Love

Ana’s whole relationship from beginning to end is based on how she feels. She makes judgments based on how hot Christian is. How sexy his mouth is, the butterflies in her stomach, the electric current flowing through her body, etc. Seriously? That’s love? No! It is just puppy love, a crush, lust or, infatuation. Call it what you will, but it’s certainly not love.

Author, Mrs. James is confused about what true love is. Worse, she’s confusing millions of readers by showing that "love" is nothing more than powerful emotion and really good sex. This book reveals a dysfunctional relationship that will never lead to lasting love in real life. Mrs. James does a dangerously great job of blurring fantasy and reality.

Problem #3: Sex is Not Love

Christian and Ana have a sexual relationship from the very beginning. The confusing feelings she has for him come from the fact that she knows he’s not good for her, but she loves the sex. Apparently, the fact that he wants to beat, gag, whip, and flog her if she gets out of line, doesn’t deter this needy girl. She allows him to abuse her because the sex is good. These are exactly the types of relationships that women should stay far away from. Yet in 50 Shades of Grey, the abusive relationship is glorified. It’s a very sad day when we can no longer tell right from wrong, good from bad, black from white, or a horribly unhealthy relationship from true love.