4 Ways to Prevent Fear of Divorce

Janie is a single mom with four children, 17, 13, 9, and 5. Her husband divorced her three years ago and she has struggled mightily with helping them cope, while she, herself, tried to heal from the hurt.

Stephen's children live with their mom full time and he gets to see them every other weekend. When he's alone, he worries about the path their mother is leading them down—an anti-Christian path—and what, if anything, he can do to keep his children close to their faith.

You might identify with Janie and Stephen because their worries and concerns are the same as millions of other divorced parents who are trying to raise their children to move forward, have healthy emotional lives and eventually, intact families of their own some day. But the statistics are not good for children of divorce. If they survive their teen and early adult years by keeping clear of the drug, alcohol and self-abusing trends that many like them fall into, the problem becomes how to have a successful marriage relationship. Unfortunately, many children of divorce decide to cohabitate instead of marry for fear of divorce and repeating their parents' mistakes.

Yet, despite the trends and statistics, I believe generational divorce is not inevitable. On the contrary, I believe parents hold a lot of the control when it comes to being able to curb the probability of handing down a legacy of divorce. Let's look at the root problem first.

Little Hearts, Big Problems

Divorce becomes generational for several reasons but one of the most critical reasons is because children are often not given the same opportunities to heal as adults which plays a role in their inability to cope when situations become difficult. Children feel the same emotions adults do and they are just as powerful, but children are incapable of expressing their feelings the way adults do. So, they carry that raw, unaddressed pain with them every day of their young lives into adulthood, where it can finally be expressed, but by then it has emotionally disfigured the child. If you have been through a divorce, you understand how devastating the anger and sorrow can be, how crippling the depression and loneliness is and a large part of the cure for this is being able to talk to someone about it. How is it, then, that many children never receive this kind of compassionate attention, but are expected to just roll with the changes and get back to normal? Dismissing the trauma children experience with the idea that “children are resilient” and will “bounce back” is doing a grave disservice to them and their future relationships. Could this be part of the problem of why we see so many young adults strung out on drugs, trapped in a cycle of self-cutting, teetering on the edge of suicide, or engaging in other immoral behaviors?

4 Ways You Can Help

• Children, just as adults, need to be given ongoing opportunities to heal from their pain, such as therapy and guidance from their parents and clergy. If they are provided with these opportunities, they have a much better chance of growing up to have healthy relationships. If you haven't already looked into counseling for your child, I encourage you to do so and don't forget to visit CatholicTherapists.com to find a solid Catholic counselor in your area.

• If you want your child to have a healthy sense of self-esteem, it is important for you to base your own self-worth on the knowledge that you are loved infinitely and completely by God. Don't base your self-worth on the opinions of other people, or your marital status. When we feel most unlovable, or ashamed, or alone, God is the best and most reliable source of comfort and self-affirmation. No matter what may have happened in your divorce or in encounters with your ex-spouse, your children will pick up on the fact that you are confident in who you are and they will imbue themselves in the same way.

• Speak as charitably about your ex-spouse as is humanly possible. Your children love both of you, even if you can't say the same about your ex-spouse, and unkind words and blame will only drag your children down. If you have trouble in this area, pray that God will give you the grace to be charitable.

• Dr. Ross Campbell has a series of How To Really Love Your Child books (Your Angry Child, Your Teen, etc.) that are excellent guides based on Christian principles for helping your child cope and are used and recommended by many Catholic therapists I know.

Most importantly, don't let yourself become discouraged. Raising children is difficult, but they always look to their parents first for guidance. If you persevere, I believe you will see great success in the years to come.

Feel free to send your feedback to asklisa@catholicmatch.com or visit me at LisaDuffy.com.