10 Ways to Help a Grieving Person

Grief plants us firmly at the foot of the cross. It unites us to Christ in a way that few other things can, and when we turn that suffering over to him, it gives us the grace to go on. Being Catholic we know that our grief is not without purpose and that our endurance of these times goes toward our eternal salvation.

Dr. Ray Guarendi, clinical psychologist and author, reminds us, “Faith puts death in a completely different perspective. It is the beginning, not the end.” That should be of great comfort, but, of course, being human, we just want back what we had. Part of the suffering of those who grieve is the deep need to have something we can no longer have.

When I look back at the days and weeks after the losses I’ve experienced, I am struck by the fact that the most prevalent emotion I felt was unity to Christ, a comforted, loved feeling. Knowing that my Father in heaven has embraced my family and is holding us close is evidence that God is in his heaven and that our loved ones are there, too, caring for us all. It brings great comfort and joy to know that the cross will be triumphant and one day we shall all be united again.

Grief: Does It Ever End?

Grief is not something that ever goes away; it is something you learn to live with. You work around it, and it keeps company with you every moment.

“Emotions that have to do with loss are triggered throughout our lives, and you will live with them,” says Mary C. Lamia, PhD, in her article “Grief Isn’t Something You Get Over” for Psychology Today. Dr. Lamia goes on to say, “Usually they are in the form of anniversary reactions, such as the birthday or death day of the lost loved one or any significant holiday in which you might want to be with the person who is gone.”

A loss like that of a child or spouse cannot be gotten over or forgotten. You will see reminders of that person all over your homes. When significant dates and events arrive, it is a constant reminder of loss. We must learn to give these feelings their place and to accept that the person we are now is a person who will never walk without that abiding sadness keeping them company.

If you would like to support someone who is enduring the loss of a loved one, here are 10 ways to help a grieving friend:

1. Go to the wake or funeral, or both. It is extremely hard to witness grief this way, but it is also an extraordinary act of love and compassion to show your support by being there. It means a lot.

2. Offer specific help. Writing thank you notes, cook meals, provide childcare—anything you can do. Vague offers of “call me if you need anything” will likely not be taken up.

3. Don’t fall back on the normal clichés. “It all happens for a reason,” or “He is in a better place,” may be well-meaning but are not helpful and can be hurtful. Just say, “I’m sorry for your loss,” and mean it.

4. Remember to pray for them, and let them know it. Have a Mass said, send a spiritual bouquet, or offer to come and pray a Rosary with them or to take them to Mass.

5. Don’t forget that grief is still horrible even after the funeral is over. Remember that everyday moments will still be hard and a great deal of patience and compassion will be needed for a very long time.

6. Talk about the person who is gone. A great fear is that our loved ones will be forgotten, so don’t feel funny about sharing a story or asking about their loved one. Even if it brings on some tears, it feels good to know a loved one is remembered.

7. Find a good bereavement program and offer to drive. Your local diocese can be very helpful with this, and they often offer the programs themselves.

8. Organize some kind of memorial for the deceased. There is a park bench at the baseball field where my son played that has a plaque with his name on it. His special-education league organized a dedication ceremony, and the memorial means the world to my family.

9. Don’t be offended if phone calls or texts go unanswered. These communications can seem overwhelming to a bereaved person, so just keep in touch and know your concern is appreciated.

10. Use your special talents to comfort the family. Crocheting a prayer shawl, creating a scrapbook, sharing some framed photos, or beading a rosary—all of these things can be a beautiful tribute to the person who is gone. My family received many such gifts, and we treasure them all.

What are some other ways you help someone who is grieving the loss of a spouse?

Mary Ellen Barrett shared her story of loss at CatholicDigest.com. After experiencing the loss of her son Ryan, two years later her mother, at the young age of 65, passed away from complications due to early onset Alzheimer’s disease. And last spring she lost her brother, who was her only sibling. Click here to read the entire story, "Grief: Does it Ever End?"