2 Things You Should Do After Your Divorce

I have written often about the insane and crazy things I did just after my divorce. I was adrift in the world and had lost much of the definition of who I was—wife, full-time mother, part of a whole. I didn’t understand who I was supposed to be now that I was alone and how I was supposed to live in this strange new world.

One thing that I learned quickly and from personal experience is that it takes time to recover and fully heal after a traumatic experience like a divorce. Jumping into something with someone else, though it may alleviate the desperation and loneliness, won’t allow you to begin to understand who you are again. Not to mention the fact that if you do not have an annulment, you are still married in the eyes of the Church which means dating is off limits.

One piece of advice I received came to me from a very wise priest, Fr. Peter at a weekend retreat. It was the first weekend retreat I attended after my husband left and I met with Fr. Peter for most of the afternoon on one of the days I was there.

The single, greatest piece of advice he gave me was to petition the Church for an annulment. At the time I was completely opposed to the idea and I told him so. I had married my husband fully intending to do so for life and I saw no reason to change that plan now that he had left. This wonderful and wise priest however, encouraged me to begin the process—not to get the annulment so I could get on with the idea of finding a new husband, but to give Holy Mother Church the opportunity to look at my marriage and make a determination about its validity.

Fr. Peter truly believed that following the annulment process to its completion would give me the tools I needed to begin to redefine my life now that I found myself newly divorced. The status of my marriage had a direct impact on the choices I could make as a single person—to date or not to date. He also encouraged me because he said the action of the process would be healing in and of itself. He was completely right on both accounts.

I share this time and again because it pains me greatly to read comments by folks—both men and women, who began dating without going through the annulment process first. Inevitably these comments end up with folks questioning their continued practice of the religion—suddenly, they find themselves needing to choose. Either it is the new love in their life or their Catholic faith.

It pains me to read these comments because it doesn’t have to be this way. I wholeheartedly encourage any of you who are newly divorced to do two things:

1. Focus on Jesus: Make the focus of your new relationship be about Jesus for now, rather than a new spouse.

2. Begin the process of annulment: allow Holy Mother Church the opportunity to rule on the state of your marriage.

Using this time to focus on a relationship with Jesus will help you to heal and will move you to a better place, if and when the time comes for you to begin dating again. And having a ruling from the Church on the validity of your marriage will allow you to begin to make the best decisions in your new life—ones that will help you on the path to heaven.

Divorce is a difficult reality, but Holy Mother Church is here to help us get through it the best we can. Be sure to take up all the graces that she offers. Feel free to leave any annulment questions that you may have—I will do my best to answer them myself or find the answers you need to get going with the process!

Editor's note: Download a free copy of The Top 10 Annulment Myths