So, is it okay to blow off your friends for a date?
I’ve been single for a long time. A looooooong time. And, as long as I can remember, this has been treated as a given in the single world. Of course! A date! The Holy Grail! What we’re all looking for! When the opportunity comes along, we have to seize it! Our friends will understand!
But the longer I’m single, the clearer it becomes that we need to re-think this.
[NOTE: I am focusing on women here because a) men generally ask women out and therefore have more control over timing, and b) I’ve never heard of an epidemic of men blowing off their friends for chicks. If I’m wrong, feel free to chime in on the comments.]
To me, it all comes down to your attitude toward your friends. If you see them as primary “people to kill time with while looking for The One,” then I guess it would be no big deal to cancel plans with them at the last minute in favor of the latest Potential Prince Charming to cross your path.
They are my community, my people.
But my friends are more than that. They are, in a very real way, my family. They are my community, my people. They are there for me. In the myriad situations of life where I would normally turn to a husband and family for help, I know I can turn to them. They celebrate with me. They mourn with me. They have been around far longer than any date thus far has turned out to be. And if by the grace of God I ever find The One, my friends will still be there, celebrating with me. And they will remain an important part of my life.
I think they are entitled to some respect.
When I make plans with my friends, it’s because I want to spend time with them. And they want to spend time with me. They block time on their calendars. They may turn down other invitations. If it’s a party, they were planning on me when they shopped for food. If it’s a special occasion, my presence is a sign of my love for them, and affirms that I want them in my life.
And call me crazy, but when I say “Hey, never mind! Some guy came along, and I’d rather spend my evening with him,” I just can’t convince myself that I am giving my friends the respect they deserve.
Are you sure they'll understand?
“But my friends understand.” Are you sure? Really? What are they going to say? “I’m hurt that you’re blowing me off when I was looking forward to this time with you?” Maybe some friends would be that blunt. Most probably wouldn’t. But trust me, on the inside they feel like “people you are killing time with whole waiting for The One.” Because that is the way you are treating them.
“But this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!” Is it really? So that great guy asked you out. Is this really your only opportunity to date him? What will happen if you say “I’m sorry. I would love to go out with you, but I have plans with some dear friends that night.” Will he vanish into the netherworld? Will he never, ever ask you out again? If that’s the case, then trust me, he wasn’t all that interested to begin with.
On the contrary, I think that when you honor your previous commitment, you send him a pretty clear message. You’re telling him that you’re reliable. That you value your relationships. And that you are not so desperate that you would blow off your friends for a date.
That reflects very well on you.
Sure, if it’s truly a “one-night-only” opportunity—if the far-away guy you’ve been talking to but haven’t met in person has a layover at your local airport that happens to coincide perfectly with your Girls’ Night at the Movies, then go ahead and talk to your friends. Nicely. Apologetically. Asking for permission to be excused instead of treating it as your birthright.
But short of that? If you don’t want to be perceived as “that girl"—the one whose girlfriends are just a pit stop on the road to wedded bliss—I recommend that you honor your commitments, and your friendships.
Because, Prince Charming or not, you’re still going to want them in your life.
