How Am I Still Not Married?

If you’ve been single for any length of time, I’m sure you can relate to the sense of urgency that comes with the desire to date and get married.

I know that in my own life, I always thought my dating timeline would play out similarly to my mom’s, simply because that’s what I knew (my mom got married at age 23 by the way, needless to say I’m more than a few years behind).

Years have come and they’ve gone, and along with them a variety of relationships, lessons learned from each one, some leaving me more brokenhearted than others, but underlying them all has been a sense of pressure to “figure it out” as I’m seemingly in a race against the clock.

I’ve had to pause and take a step back many a time, and really think about where that pressure is coming from. I do think that first and foremost it’s derived from an honest desire for my vocation which in and of itself is a good thing. However, I realize that if I had complete faith in God and for his timeline in my life, this desire would be a source of joy rather than anguish. So what else is going on?

My mind turns to my first experience of being questioned about my single status

I was in first grade getting my hair cut when the beautician asked, “so, do you have a boyfriend?” Even as a first grader, I remember being surprised, for the way that she asked the question implied that I should have one.

That was the beginning of what has seemed to be a lifelong experience of receiving variations of that question, and whether intending to or not, those questions continually add to the pressure to figure it out and one day be able to finally answer in the affirmative.

While I hinted at it earlier, I have also realized that this sense of urgency comes from an expectation I’ve placed upon myself based on how others’ relationships have unfolded. My mom got married at age 23. Many of my closest girlfriends got married right out of college. At family events I fall into the continually diminishing category of “still single.”

Well, great… I’ve got pressure stemming from my own desires, from people ranging from my hair stylist to my co-workers asking about my relationship status, and am immersed in an environment that in and of itself lays it on thick.

What’s a girl to do?

Normalize and reframe. Not to minimize or over-simplify the struggle, but just to put it in perspective. As a Catholic therapist in training, I have worked with what seems to be client after client, both men and women, who struggle with the same thing.

So let’s just throw it out there for what it is—dating is hard, and dang it, it is ok to be single!

In fact, it is perfectly normal to be single, at any age. Even more in fact, it is a witness—yes, I and every other person on the planet desires to know another and be known, to love and be loved, but even if that is lacking in the form of a romantic relationship, I hold fast to my relationship with the Lord and continue to walk in his ways. Though I may falter, this is the ultimate relationship, and is something I always have the power to strengthen and grow in.

Simply knowing that there are others out there who struggle with this helps to normalize the experience.

The devil strives to isolate us in our struggles—I am the only one who hasn’t figured it out, I am the only one still single, no one else understands…. it’s just not true.

Now to reframe.

Regardless of an individual’s specific circumstances, family, environment, etc. We all hold one thing in common, which is the time in which we live. It is 2019, and that means that dating looks a heck of a lot different now than it did back when our parents were on the scene, or even 10 years about before the explosion of smart phones and all things technology.

It also means that, statistically speaking, millennials are living longer and getting married later than compared to older generations. Women are actually pursuing, achieving, and maintaining careers.

How people date has evolved throughout the ages and it will continue to do so. I’m thinking back to the Pride and Prejudice days where young girls had a “coming of age” party to signify that they were on the market, to my parent’s experience of getting asked out on dates in person almost every week, to the here and now where websites and apps run the show.

Let go of the expectations or ideas molded by those who have “figured it out” before you and be open to the newness that this time in the world brings.

Lastly, remember the ultimate relationship goal, which is to be in a happy marriage.

To me, the heartbreak and lessons learned throughout this dating experience (you know, the extended one that my mom definitely didn’t have), has strengthened me and will be something that ultimately serves my future marriage. Nothing is for naught, and rather than continuing to grow the sense of urgency and panic which can so often accompany it when it comes to your dating life, replace it with acceptance.

It’s 2019. It’s okay to be single. Dating looks different than it has before. There is nothing wrong with you (well, at least I hope not), and your inherent desire for your vocation is a good thing. Accept it, continue to live your beautiful life, and release the pressure to “figure it out” and let yourself be surprised.