Ask Lisa: I Thought Things Were Going Well?

Here is a recent email I received that I would like to share with you because it seems many people are having this experience and are becoming disenchanted with the whole dating process.

A gent flirted and asked to connect....I hesitantly inquired if a long distance relationship was something he wanted....he responded back, "for the right person". He asked for my number and he called. We had a wonderful phone conversation. He said he felt that we were a great match.

He stated he was coming to my area to visit his family since he had Monday off. I suggested maybe we could meet for Mass on Sunday.....that I would be willing to come down on Sunday ( a 2 hour drive from Cleveland ) to meet for Mass and have brunch. He said he would call!

Well, he emailed Saturday night at 10pm for a noon Mass that following Day. Honestly, by 5pm on Saturday, I had disappointedly let go. I wont settle anymore...I was willing to go the extra mile...but this was a lack of kindness and thoughtfulness. The kind thing to do was to call (since he had my phone number) or text on Friday or even Saturday morning. Was I too assertive? I don't think so! Does he need to take control? Who knows....This experience has taught me that I need to keep honoring myself....my self respect....and now it is let time to let go. For some reason fear moved him and prevented a great opportunity and a fun adventure! 

I agree with the author of this letter. If the gentleman had her number, he should have called early on instead of emailing late at night. No one can fault someone for having a change of heart, but there seems to be a creeping lack of respect for others that is somehow taking over. This behavior is indicative of dating laziness, this weird phenomenon I have seen in both men and women. This scenario begs the question, why does this happen?

Maybe it's because there has been a gradual relaxing of standards in the last few generations of couples and this is the example of how to treat your spouse that has been handed down to the children who are now dating adults? Maybe people like this are just innately selfish? Maybe the current reign of technology in everyday life has helped to relax social standards to the point that making an effort to be polite seems to be too difficult?

People tend to forget that dating is a minor form of practice for living together as a married couple. How two people treat each other while they are dating will give you an excellent idea of what their marriage will be like - except not as nice. If they are selfish and lazy in a dating relationship that is still new and has some romance in it, it will be the same in marriage, only harder to deal with because the romance will rapidly fade and the honeymoon always comes to an end. Then, they are left with having to accept each other as they are and find a way to stay together through life's challenges. Not a great way to build a marriage.

If you contrast the dating process today with the way it was when my own parents were dating (mid 1950's) it's somewhat alarming to note the cavaliere attitude many people have toward the importance of courtship. My father and mother treated each other with common courtesy and respect as was the norm back in the day, and I'm not merely talking about respecting each other's virginity, I'm talking about respecting each others feelings as well as each other's dignity as persons.

This is why it is so important to remember the purpose of dating, which is to find out if you are meant to spend the rest of your life with the person you are dating. Having fun and being romantic is certainly important, but at the same time, you should be taking note of who the person you are dating is and if you could be happy with them for the rest of your life. For example, what are his common tendencies? What are her reactions to people and situations? How well does your style of communication blend? How does he treat other people (parents and siblings, work associates, new people he meets, etc.)? It's important to do this due diligence as you continue a dating relationship.

Thank you for all your feedback, comments and questions. If you have something you'd like to say but haven't said it yet, just email me at asklisa@catholicmatch.com.